I’m going through a transition so fundamental that I can hardly write about it.
I’ve been involved recently in some financial matters that have nothing to do with the Reval but which I cannot discuss nonetheless.
But the impact on my writing has been considerable.
I’m an urban monk, following the awareness path and a servant of the Divine Mother. I’m not much interested in financial matters per se.
But I’ve now visited the financial world for a short while and I was unprepared for what I found.
The stress I felt around being responsible for money in transit, having to understand so much that was new and strange to me, coping with a memory that doesn’t work, writing an awareness column every day, and so on, was almost more than I could bear.
Being responsible for money in transit was by far the biggest stressor. There’d be no way I could make up for any financial mistake I made. And me and mathematics have never really coexisted very peacefully.
I was making spreadsheets and tracking everything. This is not my usual thing. There was one day when I thought I was going to lose it because I could not make figures match.
So I’ve been as stressed as I ever want to be.
This may be a preview of what’s coming down the pike. On the one hand, we’re promised abundance. But on the other hand, those who handle abundance have taken upon themselves a sizeable workload and responsibility. I’ve gained a new appreciation for the scope of the work.
I’m certain that I don’t even begin to comprehend how much adjustment I’ll need to make. I’m rigorously going to follow Archangel Michael’s advice to do nothing for a week after the Reval. I now see that it’s something like decompressing before we step out into the world.
Managing financial matters and awareness writing are not at first glance entirely compatible. Or else it’s my job to make them so; this may be a challenge that I agreed to perhaps.
As an awareness writer, I need calmness, quiet, and solitude. As a financial steward, my phone’ll be ringing off my desk and thoughts of solitude may be be as close as I get to it.
My assignment is somehow to make the two work: To conserve my awareness by making my workload in the financial world manageable.
That will take careful planning and firm discipline on my part.
The only way I can survive is to ditch any remaining ideas there may be lurking in the depths of the mind about empire-building or self-glorification. Because if there are any ideas of that sort, they’ll drive me to over-produce.
I often get myself into the problematic situation of thinking I can do more than I can. Sooner or later, my health gives way … or now the Company of Heaven consigns me to the sick bed to slow me down.
I need to realize that I’m just one member of a very large team, one among millions, and I can actually only do what a normal, average, ordinary human can do, without risking the health of the body.
I need to get that I’m going to be doing a very modest job of meeting with a very few people about only high-level matters and then only during part of the day.
And if I depart from that, I risk losing my writing and losing my health.
Everything about my life is getting very serious all of a sudden as new responsibilities loom. And this is not my first choice in terms of direction, as a lover of bliss, stillness, and equanimity.
But this is the path of financial stewardship nonetheless and our job – or my job at least – is to make it work.