This morning I had to cancel everything just to work on myself. So tired!
As I said previously and here say again…… since the Livestream I’ve been finding it all a bit of a struggle. A struggle that I’ve learnt to strangely ‘flow’ with. What else can you do?
It feels like someone has cemented my heart into a concrete case. I’ve been having the hardest time trying to get in there, wherever “there” is. Linda always says…. “go deeper, deeper into your heart.” I can’t even get in, let alone go deeper! It’s like the message was misunderstood by the Universe, “Oh….. I’m sorry, I thought you said close your heart not open it, our apologies!”
No matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve not been able to access that fluffy pink energy of my heart centre or the void, I so enjoyed floating around in. I just can’t get in there! But I know it’s there because I’m sitting here, breathing, typing and I’m very much alive!
I feel like I’ve popped out of my “home” and a gust of wind has come up behind me and slammed the door shut, locking my keys inside with no way to get in. It appears that I am locked out. I start to shake the handle, furiously pulling at the door with all my might. I press my nose up against the window, breathing heavily. I can see the keys, but most certainly can’t get to them. This is the feeling I have about getting into my heart, I can see it but I can’t touch it – story of my life right now.
I begin to pace up and down…..”I’m calm, it’s ok, this IS ok, no need to panic, I can sort this out”……… very quickly switching to a hysterical “OH MY GOD! This is awful, what if I can’t get back in there, what if I’m locked out forever? What if I can never get in there again?!!!”
An extreme feeling of panic, fear and despair creeps in very quickly. The ego rubs its hands together with glee. It’s now running the show, in charge of every emotion that runs through my mind and body. The funny thing is, is that I can see it happening but I just can’t stop it or regain control of it.
Much like that cheeseburger or obscenely large piece of chocolate cake that you scoff down, like “a pig at a potato”, knowing full well that you’re on a diet and its weigh in day tomorrow! We’ve all been there, you just can’t stop it. Then the guilt kicks in, lack of self worth, I shouldn’t be letting this happen, I’ve lost control, I’m useless. This is a perfect example of hanging out with your ego too much and negative thought processes.
Whilst being locked out of my “home,” I started to feel the anger and frustration, judgement and irritation with myself and others. God should have a voicemail overflowing with requests for forgiveness of my negative thoughts and comments that may not have held as much light as they should have.
During this time of being locked out in the cold, I continued and persevered with my Tsunami of Love meditation daily as usual. Still, not an awful lot of feeling in that little heart of mine. One thing I do know is that I’ve gained a lot of trust.
I’ve learned that immensely during this experience because if I didn’t have trust or faith I would never have continued to go back to the water’s edge, to play in the waves even if I wasn’t having that good of a time, just got to keep on trucking!
So I continued to enter the waves. I tried so very hard to experience the same “buzz” as I had in the past but it wasn’t the same. My rubber ring had a puncture in it. The waves were a bit choppy and the sea was extremely cold. So I gingerly walked into the water displaying an uncanny resemblance to an orangutan, elbows held high above my head, continually gasping short intakes of breath as the cold waves lapped around my mid rift, reluctantly moving into the waves looking a lot like my mother who always used to over-extend her neck like a tortoise because she never wanted to get her hair wet? To this day I still don’t know what that was about.
I clambered in up to my shoulders and yes, I did get my hair wet but not for long. I did what I had to and then got the heck out of there!
It was the strangest thing. Every time I did the meditation, I just couldn’t concentrate properly. I’d be listening to what the kids were watching on TV in the other room. Very difficult to do the meditation that way. There was just no flow, which is a complete contradiction! We are talking waves. This should be ALL about flow!
Today, I try again. I walk nervously up to my heart. I press my nose up against the glass, breathing heavily and longing and willing my entrance to the place that I call home. I start to lean against the door through tiredness, hopelessness and despair and the door flies open and I hit the deck!
“I’m in! I’m in! I’m in!….. But how???” All this time I have been pulling and yanking at that door only to realize that with a little gentle pressure on the door, the door opens out.
So what you’re telling me is that I was never locked out in the first place? The door was ALWAYS open??? I was never locked out – I was locked in……. locked in my mind spending time with the tenants that have lived there for so long. You might know them…… they’re called fear, despair and panic.
So you see, it’s not always surf, sun, sand and blue skies. Sometimes it can cloud over. In my opinion this is such a gift to have been in this old space, be it not that enjoyable. It gave me an opportunity to see how far I’ve come and just how long I have been living in the Love.
When I go back to the “illusory” times, it reminds me of how I used to live – how those negative mindsets and emotions were what I once called “happiness.” Oh, how wrong was I.
If you missed Linda Dillon’s June 8th Livestream with Mother Mary & Gaia you can Register here! to watch and receive the atunements and downloads as often as you wish.
Maybe you have you had an experience that you would like to share? Add to this gathering of feedback from our community by going here: https://counciloflove.com/tsunami-of-love-contact-form/
For more experiences, see the Council of Love website, the Tsunami experiences page:https://counciloflove.com/category/tsunami-of-love/tsunami-experiences/.
The Tsunami of Love meditation link is here.