I’m feeling driven, lashed by a vasana. And it may be the biggest vasana I’ve come upon yet.
There’s social value in sourcing it publicly. And so I’d like to do that, if you’ll permit me. The exploration is worth it and it’s OK to discuss matters like this!
I’m feeling driven to be at work. And while I don’t dispute the usefulness of that, the fact that I’m “driven” is vexing me. And causing extra work for those around me. I’m creating friction by showing frustration.
And so I ponder what I just said as the first step toward sourcing the vasana. I listen to myself, make an object of awareness of myself.
And I see that my desire to be at work is indeed driven by a vasana I’d call “total frustration.” I feel totally frustrated. I feel thwarted intention, failed expectation, undelivered communications everywhere, in the very large, external world. Not on a personal basis. It isn’t associated with any individual person. If it were, it’d be easier to handle. No, it’s the entire scene.
Nowhere do I see unmistakeable proof that anything of totally-major significance has happened. Not enough credible evidence exists that I would close the book on any major issue or event. Everything still seems open to me. Maybe I’m missing something.
The frustration I feel at the lack of closure in the scene we all watch is affecting every area of my life. I can’t ignore it. And others can’t ignore it … or ignore me. (Nor should they need to.)
It has command value over me. I’m completely captured by this vasana. Of course it doesn’t. But this is the emotional truth for me.
It must have some deeply-buried significance.
As the second step in sourcing the vasana, I ask my mind to throw up to my awareness any earlier, similar incidents associated with frustration.
Well, I come up against a wall of them. I’m completely overwhelmed by the merest contact with the wall of emotion that arises.
I seem to have felt frustrated in one area of my life after another so often that I may as well have a Ph.D. in the area.
Family that squabbled endlessly. People around me who squabbled endlessly. I squabbled endlessly.
No Ph.D., no satisfaction with any job, never completely satisfied, incomplete, frustrated. You don’t want to hear the story. Gawd, I became a twisted mister over frustration.
I know only too well that resolution of the vasana cannot rest with circumstances outside of me. They have to rest with circumstances inside of me. A vasana is personal. You don’t pass it on in your genes. I created the vasana. And only I can undo it, complete it, or source it, depending on what it requires.
So I look at the degree and amount of frustration in my life and I see it as a constant theme. Always frustrated, always frustrated. And so I ask myself: what is it that I seek?
And what I seek is resolution. Completion. Case closure. I want to be done with unresolved issues, circular arguments, and any other breach of the peace, basically. And I’m the worst offender. Judge Dredd in the area.
I have now gone round the loop once. Told the complete story. I now take a second and deeper cut at it.
And I see again, but at a deeper, more experienced level, that resolution was so lacking in my family of origin that I’m certifiably crazy in the area. It isn’t like a behaviour pattern. It’s like a full-scale tidal wave. I go crazy with too much irresolution. I can’t stand squabbling. I go nuts with things that are incomplete. This is my Achilles heel. So I now get the matter deeper.
And, hitting that level of understanding, a tremendous wall of feeling now erupts. I take time to experience it. Full surrender.
After experiencing as much of it as I could, I use degree of release to measure my progress. If I’ve stumbled onto the truth, the truth will set me free. I should feel some measure of relief from all this understanding and experiencing. If I don’t, then whatever I was thinking or experiencing, my interpretation was not the truth. I need to try again.
I do feel a small measure of release from seeing this much, not enough to satisfy me. So I press on. I ask myself again: Where is there intolerable irresolution in my life?
It’s all in the global arena. I haven’t seen such stark evidence before me that I would say case closed on anything of truly-major significance: Disclosure, the Reval, Ascension, anything.
For a person with my background, staring that realization in the face is enough to drive me crazy. Based on my family history, I go crazy around irresolution faster than most people and swing further out with it. The wall of emotion that hits me when I feel frustrated sweeps me off my feet.
I hate irresolution and, in the face of it, I want closure. If the unresolution increases, I go crazy after a while. That’s my modus operandi. That’s how the twig was bent and the tree inclined. That’s the self-chosen impact of the vasana on me.
This is not the kind of vasana that hinges on a single event or a single issue. It results from the repeated experience of frustration and irresolution. I don’t handle frustration well.
The exploration so far rings true and brings about fifty percent release. So I got a good chunk of the vasana to this point.
I need to monitor myself completely, such is the power of this vasana to sweep me away.
This is its profile. And my understanding combined with experiencing a minute part of the wall of emotion, does cause the vasana to lift a significant amount, still more to go.
I don’t think there’s gonna be a quick resolution to many of the events facing the world. Not as quick as we’d like. That’s what my intuition tells me. These are global events. Their significance goes well past the galaxy. And much more free will than I imagined is being allowed. I must live with uncertainty and unresolution.
Considering this, I conclude that my vasana no longer serves me. It no longer works for me to be a mere effect of my frustration. It doesn’t work for those around me either.
I no longer embrace this vasana. I want my life back.
This vasana was “worked” using the intelligence of the mind. Most vasanas are sourced by experiencing the resisted feelings to completion. But mine felt too large for that.
And this is what it took to source it. There was not a straight line through it. I had to ask myself questions repeatedly to prompt the mind, or other source, to throw up the answers. And then what was seen had to be experienced, if even incompletely. Then the cycle had to be repeated and repeated until I got to the bottom of it.
And now comes the feeling of completion and a felt need to rest.