Pacific Park
I’d like to illustrate again this time of clearing that Saul suggests we’re going through. Saul says:
“Many are feeling very stressed and enervated as the issues that they need to address and release in order for them to awaken demand their attention. …
“The issues that attach you to the illusion have to be dealt with. You know this deep within yourselves, and so they are being driven up into your awareness to enable you to acknowledge and release them.”
Any remaining issues that keep us attached to illusory 3D now need to be addressed. That includes attachments based in craving, but it also includes attachments based in aversion or upset. I’m not sure I have a lot of attachments based in craving – a few perhaps. But I do have a lot of attachments based on upset.
Yesterday I felt gloomy and, when I processed it, I found an earlier, similar incident in which three young boys many years ago had played a trick on me, fleeing in three different directions when I arrived to meet them. The incident had a devastating effect on me.
Today I awoke from a perfectly good sleep. I had vivid dreams of a cops and robbers kind, but nothing out of the ordinary as far as I’m aware. But I woke up feeling flat.
This is unusual because, until recently, I’ve been feeling quite happy and loving. But, all of a sudden and for no apparent reason, I’m having onsets of quite pronounced negative feelings.
And these down moods could have a significant impact on me if I let them. For instance, I have a reading with Archangel Michael tomorrow during which I planned to do some significant personal work. Before last night, when I cleared the vasana of gloom, I was convinced that something really significant was happening and I was going to ask him to help me get to the bottom of it.
That session may have involved some tussling and wrangling and I was worried that I would show myself to be unreliable and be abandoned by the Company of Light as one more lightworker who had gone off the rails (like Dove of Oneness, for instance).
That vasana from last night disappeared in an instant when I got the originating incident. So there was nothing systemically wrong with me. I’d just had a stack attack, old records playing from the distant past. Once they were quiet, I was fine again.
But here I am back in the soup, now feeling flat. And not just flat, but bothersomely flat. I have the idea that I shouldn’t be feeling flat. There is nothing in my life that offers any reason for it. So what can it be?
I ask my mind again to fling up for me the earlier, similar incident on which this feeling is based. (And I’m going through this process again and again to assist you to handle the negative feelings that may be arising in your life at this time of clearing.)
I take the first feeling and the first image I get (this is very important; don’t censor what comes up; don’t reject the first image and seek a second). I see myself on a boardwalk, when I was perhaps 10 or 11 years old. It’s a California boardwalk, Pacific Park. My Mom and I are visiting Southern California on a trip that would include Disneyland. It’s around 1956.
But my Mom is behaving strangely. She is visiting a man whom she says is an old, old friend. And she is quite clearly romantically attracted to him. I’m sure my Dad knows nothing about it. It’s quite pleasant to see my Mom as happy as she is. I don’t feel any upset over that. My Dad was not a pleasant character to be around and if my Mother can snatch a few hours of pleasant company, I don’t begrudge her.
Later she tells me the story of Mickey, the man she should have married, who went to jail to atone for the misdemeanours of others in a company he was involved in.
This memory hooks me up to a whole string of incidents in which my Mother went through family violence, divorce, decline and eventually death in a household fire (she fell asleep with a cigarette burning). So it’s the first memory of a long thread.
And I remember reading a letter left over from the fire in which I read that, no sooner was Mom free of Dad than Mickey died. I had known about this but the letter contextualized it for me. I remember how sad she was when she heard the news. Nothing about this story had a happy ending.
Of what relevance is all this? The feeling of flatness that I felt now matures into a composite feeling of the recreated longing my Mother felt for Mickey, which I imbibed, and the sadness when I discovered that Mom was so close to being reunited with her lover of many years and having a happy life for a change, only to discover that Mickey had died. The impact of the composite feeling was a feeling that life was flat, that life held no enjoyment, that life was manifestly unfair.
Upon seeing this earlier, similar incident, the feeling of flatness within me gradually subsides and I’m through this latest, undigested memory. I’m restored to Self again, not particularly high, not particularly low, and ready for the next episode in what seems like a time of massive completion of all remaining upsets, if Saul is to be believed.
But before I go, notice some elements of this situation:
(1) My upset had nothing to do with situations in the present. It was triggered by some undetected bleedthrough of an old memory.
(2) No amount of searching might have revealed to me what the cause of it was.
(3) My ordinary response of blaming it on those around me for some interaction that we have would have been totally inappropriate.
(4) Only seeing the earlier, similar incident that lies at the base of it would have caused the unwanted feeling to lift.
(5) The truth of my upset set me free.
(6) The truth is seen by asking the mind to throw up an image, thought, or feeling and taking the very first one I get (the mind used in this way is a truth machine).
You know that I’ve been emphasizing this view of things – that all our upsets are based on automatic reaction patterns or vasanas, which are themselves based on memories of earlier, similar incidents. You can see how my moods lift when I “source” the incident.
Rather than shouting at our spouses and kicking the family dog, if we handled matters the way I’m urging here, we might save everyone around us, including ourselves, some wear and tear and get through this time more quickly and sanely.
Footnotes
(1) Saul, “All your issues are coming up with an intensity that very few have experienced,” through John Smallman, Jan. 8, 2012, at https://johnsmallman.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/all-your-issues-are-coming-up-with-an-intensity-that-very-few-have-experienced