I think it illustrates a circumstance that many lightworkers face and a system of adaptation many lightworkers probably use.
I lost track of her years ago. Though she’ll probably never read this series of articles, I’m (99.9999%) certain she’d be happy that I posted it. In fact I think she’d probably say: “Steve, we’ve all just been waiting for you to get it and emerge.”
Archangel Michael has said that most lightworkers here on the planet today are embodied angels or were angelic in origin. Almost certainly Farmgirl was.
It’s almost a commonplace that the vast majority of lightworkers experienced difficult circumstances in their lives, early or late. I think those situations arise because we wanted and needed a quick education in how life was for the vast majority of people on Earth and this is the way we created ourselves getting it.
I’m going to leave aside all those people who learned how terrestrial life was and what terrestrial pain is by agreeing to endure illnesses or disabilities or live in poverty.
I’m going to focus instead on those people who learned it by agreeing to experience physical abuse (not sexual or other forms of abuse because I didn’t know them and therefore cannot comment). Both Farmgirl and I were survivors of domestic abuse; in my case, parental abuse; in her case, spousal abuse.
What I’m about to describe here is the system of self-protective adaptation that arises from having experienced ongoing physical abuse. It’s a coping mechanism, a survival strategy. I believe that this same system may be seen in adaptation to other forms of pain, tragedy and abuse in the lives of lightworkers everywhere, but I cannot speak to them.
Farmgirl experienced no abuse that I know of in her early life; only in later life. She more or less escaped childhood in one piece. People who experienced abuse early in their lives tend not to have escaped childhood in one piece, so to speak.
Sociologists and psychologists say that early-learned behavior is persistent. It’s more influential. It determines how the twig is bent and the tree inclines. Late-learned behavior is more malleable, more susceptible to change. The tree is already grown and can’t be bent as easily any more.
By the time I met Farmgirl, she was unsuppressed and un-self-protective. She had emerged from the impact of abuse.
I’d also escaped from the actual circumstance of abuse in my life but was still suppressed and self-protective.
You might consider me the “before” and her the “after,” in terms of emergence.
The difference between the suppressed and the unsuppressed person is not in the potential power of each to love. In both, it’s the same.
It’s in the actualized power to give and receive love, to see ourselves and be known by others. In this, Farmgirl was way “ahead” of me. Way, way “ahead” of me.
Her love was present, glorious, and not skewed in its expression. Mine was potential, weak, and very much skewed in its presentation.
I flew low under the radar because I was avoiding being abused again. It was a deeply-buried program; not something I was in any way aware of back in 1986.
My strategy was to remain invisible in what I did and how I lived and loved. If I was generous to someone, I’d deflect their thanks. If I said something helpful, I’d act over-modestly.
In all things, I’d minimize myself, all in an effort to remain unseen. The Arcturians remarked on this in one of my readings. They said it was a coping strategy. But I didn’t see the larger picture at that time. (Now I do. Star brothers and sisters, thank you.)
People could not know me deeply, truly as I was because I didn’t want them to. I didn’t want to be known or seen. I had difficulty accepting love.
Insofar as I hid, I was conflicted. Insofar as I deflected, I couldn’t own my own power.
But Farmgirl was past hiding. She’d re-emerged and could own her own power, and did so with wonderful effect. A whole community had grown up around her. She was a thoroughly-magnetic personality. I wish you could have known her and maybe you will.
But let’s leave Farmgirl aside now and stay with the conflicted, suppressed and self-protective victim of domestic abuse.
When we’re in that place, our power is locked away in a drawer, so to speak. Its expression is conflicted. Our relationships are skewed.
We usually don’t see the skew in us. We usually don’t know our position. But we’re invisible only to ourselves. Other people see it. They hope we’ll pull out of it but they can’t do the work for us.
Many people relate to us in a peculiar way. I’ve seen the expression on many people’s faces that I’ve related to. “When will Steve get it?” “Why can’t he see it?” They see me. It’s only me that doesn’t.
They know who we are in potential but they also know that they can’t interact authentically with a conflicted person as long as the conflict remains. “Access denied,” as a friend described the way we present ourselves.
They’re not going to take up my way of acting and I can’t see their way to take it up.
They get to interact with the person’s conflict and suppression. They give us some time to see if we’ll pull out in the face of their loving-kindness and support, but, when they don’t see any progress, they move on and leave us behind.
If there any other lightworkers who are emerging from situations of domestic violence and abuse, you may relate to what I’m saying. Let me stop here for today.
(To be continued in Part 2.)
(1) This Manitoba Farmgirl at http://goldenageofgaia.com/building-nova-earth-toward-a-world-that-works-for-everyone/lightworkers/this-manitoba-farm-girl/. Manitoba is a Canadian province. Most people I know from Winnipeg, Manitoba are very sattwic – gentle, tranquil, balanced.