Long-time reader Rev. Marilyn Redmond shares her experience of years of domestic violence and the way she found out of it.
Most people watch the news reports and hear about domestic violence from a one-time incident such as the famous O.J. Simpson episode. My story begins as a child raised in domestic violence.
My paranoid schizophrenic mother married my alcoholic father during the Great Depression. For her, financial security meant safety from abuse, abandonment, and economic concerns.
“I’ll teach you a lesson!” My father yelled. My door is always shut at bedtime. I hate these fights. This time, I was terrified watching my father beat my mother. I want to be off the face of the earth, I prayed. I became the all-time victim from thinking, Dad will be in here to hurt me next.
I tightened my muscles and nerves to become smaller and completely crawled under the sheet. I had become a turtle that night emotionally, to protect myself. Habitually, I stayed inside my shell as protection, as a three-year-old.
A deep scar remained in my soul from seeing this episode not just hearing it. My childish instincts tried to defend me. Immediately, I created protection from physical harm. This was sort of a blessing when two years later I was victimized by my soon-to-be-brother in law.
In addition, my ballet lessons had tightened my muscles through practicing for classes. Together my tight muscles became Fibromyalgia from more years of nervous tension. Usually, I stayed inside my shell.
My next major impact was mother’s remarrying. My stepdad’s 24/7 attacks emoting emotional incest lasted until his death in old age. He was like a vampire in my life sucking my soul and personality. I married someone with the same mind-set because they were familiar.
Music had become my escape from the abuse and insanity throughout my life. I met my husband in the college music department. We were in many classes together learning to teach music in the schools. After a session of practicing our instruments, we began conversations in the practice rooms. He even asked my opinion.
We became engaged in our senior year. In the fifties, society cruelly judged unwed mothers. I was filled with shame. He married me to save me. In the first six months of our marriage, he strangled and raped me. I learned never to say “No” again. My battering and abusive marriage of rape lasted thirty years.
The next few years went smoothly as we were both teaching and enjoying our family. We decided to build a home. I saw no reason for a single party line and paying more. I had grown up with an eight party line, then a four party line and lastly a double party line. I liked the idea of the two party line and not listening to others on the same phone line. Because I had no self-esteem or life skills to speak up, I found myself on the kitchen floor with him sitting on me insisting on a single phone line, beating my head on the floor until I agreed.
My life was unmanageable. He tried to kill me several times, and I tried suicide several times to escape from the marriage. Each time my angels saved me. I carried the responsibility for his emotional outbursts. It was not safe to be myself. Finally, I saw that I had learned to be a victim from my mother.
Over time, our son seemed to bring up his anger. Nothing he did was right as far as my husband thought. Today, as a counselor, I can identify the family roles each member plays in the dysfunctional family, passive-aggressive game. This clarifies the dynamics of each person’s behavior, emotional state, and mental basis for their actions.
What did I learn about domestic violence through my experience? First, I learned how to stop the hostilities. The short story is he cornered me in my son’s small room. His rage was out of control; I was terrified. Time stopped while angels held him as if he were a statue that stopped his advancing towards me.
A silent voice inside told me to pray for him, “God forgive him for he knows not what he does”. At the height of this battle, I stopped the game by sending love, which was praying for him. I came to understand that when you send love, there is nothing to attack. He never touched me again. “Safety is the complete relinquishment of attack.” A Course in Miracles, T.92.
More solution came by addressing my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual basis. I found that my physical abuse is an extension of mental and emotional abuse at a soul level. I was co-dependent, propelling my life down the tubes. I needed to forgive myself and outgrow my past hardships to find my own self-esteem. By identifying and releasing the negative fear, thoughts, and behaviors individually, I was able to replace those past emotions with love, grace, and later with forgiveness, gratitude, and compassion.
Making the decision not to volunteer to be a victim again made the difference. I realized that my neediness was my problem. I was given the answers to life; it is no longer a mystery. The lesson is to open my heart sending love to all my challenges and that love can return. It is simply a matter of learning what works in your life and how to rearrange it so it works even better.
In addition, I stopped putting myself in places to be hurt. My plan was to replace my fear with love; we are all in one loving spirit. Love never fails. After my divorce, healing my twice broken tailbone began my healthy new life. I cannot change another; my focus changed from my husband to taking care of myself.
Then, I found that mentally I had to substitute positive thinking for negative thinking. I could change my life by altering my thoughts and beliefs. Over time, I discovered that beliefs come from my head and I gave up all my beliefs to move into my new heart based life.
Consequently, I would now rely on my inner guidance for my answers today. I was praying for his health, wellbeing, and prosperity, which relieved my anger. In addition, there were three other past lives, we had in domestic violence. There was a deeper basis for my miserable life to heal.
However, to let go of them and move beyond into the loving life I had always dreamed took an honest inner house cleaning. I was becoming responsible for my life. However, I knew from spiritual groups and recovery programs that when the spiritual malady was resolved my mental and physical problems would fall into place.
As I released my ego-driven life of survival, I happily realized that I was returning to my Christed spirit releasing my human faults. Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17.”
In my life today, I am emotionally available, can trust, and communicate in honesty. My 16-year relationship of unconditional love is pleasant, caring, and kind.
Rev. Marilyn L. Redmond, BA, CHT, IBRT is an international psychic/medium for readings/channelings, speaker, international award winning writer, international author, international consultant, international columnist, international board certified regression therapist, artist, and ordained minister for spiritual counselling.
Web site is Angelicasgifts.com
Blog is marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com
Lectures, interviews, and spiritual information on You Tube at https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=marilyn+redmond