By age 57 I had become one again. But this one was leaning against a wall, playing cards with the boys, shooting the breeze. It lacked a leader. There was no one driving the car.
Now I pick up the story as of yesterday.
While the subject of determination had been buzzing around in the background of my consciousness for around two months – since the prostate operation – I had no idea of its significance.
It’s significance is that determination is an action of the will.
What I’m about to describe here is a person finding his own will, his own determination. It’s Humpty Dumpty whole again but without a will and a leader. Unmotivated and ineffective. Except in writing.
Now enter the leader. Not like I could have seen this looking forward, only looking backward.
These are notes from my journal. The issue is phrased as wanting to allow determination out. What in fact is emerging is my will, my capacity to motivate and lead myself to decisive action.
I’m staring at something that’s so obvious when seen but so difficult to see when one is unaware of it.
I’m seeing that I lack purity, singularity, singleness of purpose. I lack an undivided will.
I allow myself the space and permission to complain, bitch, moan, and grumble. And then I justify it and create a self-serving story around it.
This is not the description of a life. This is the description of a cardboard cut-out.
How could I allow myself to be serving such a wonderful cause and hold myself back by bitching, groaning, and complaining? How could I have done this to myself?
I just lost my willingness to support my own act. I’ve grown impatient with people on the street for breaking all the rules (1) and now that impatience has extended to me. That’s its proper place anyways.
I’m not going to get unbalanced with this. That would serve no purpose. But I’m going to begin exploring single-minded determination.
So that’s why I watched so many videos of Winston Churchill while I was sick! I just felt drawn to them. There never was anyone as single-minded as Churchill. AAM says that he was born for the task of standing up to the Nazis and born with the knowing that he could do it.
Archangel Michael: [Churchill] had chosen to incarnate to do that very job and to be the bulwark against which much evil could come up against.
Steve: How did he know he could do it?
AAM: He was born knowing. (2)
I thrill to his speeches as much as everyone did at the time or later. (3)
I feel as if the determination inside me wants to be let out. It seems to want to canter and gallop. Why am I hesitating and why am I waffling?
And why am I so happy to see the arrival of strong determination? What was it that was lacking before?
At that moment, it hadn’t dawned on me that I was transitioning from having a lifelong weak and divided will to having a strong and unified will and that that was a vital chapter in putting Humpty together again.
And then it dawned on me…
(Concluded in Part 3.)
(2) Archangel Michael in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, July 1, 2016. Used with permission.
(3) In fact, when I was studying to be a writer, a workshop leader asked us to begin typing out pages from our favorite writer or orator. I chose Churchill and typed out long passages from his History of the English-Speaking Peoples.