What did I learn on my Spring break?
I did so many things. I relaxed. I watched the Tsunami of Love. I got out in the sunshine.
I also worked on my core issue, under the influence of the Tsunami and because it’s time. As Archangel Michael said through Ronna Herman recently:
“If you will spend some time in meditation and contemplation, reviewing the structures you have created in your third/fourth-dimensional reality, which include mental, emotional, physical and even some spiritual restrictions, you will quickly determine that it is time to release many of the ties that bind you so that you may move quickly and gracefully into the expanding, empowering world of the future.” (1)
I think that’s a good description of what I was doing.
To start with, I think that everyone takes on at least one major flaw in any one lifetime to complete.
We often call this our shadow side, core issue, or character flaw.
It becomes the basis of our constructed self and can color our lives.
Moving from being inside this core issue to being outside of it – outside of our strategies and numbers, manipulations, constructed self – seems to involve a number of steps.
First of all, it takes getting the matter at an experiential level rather than an intellectual level. An intellectual appreciation of something, I’ve generally found, is not enough to have us move outside of it.
Secondly, it takes discussing it in existential terms, not normative terms. “Existential” is simply what is. “Normative” is how we’d like it to be. It works to discuss a core issue as it is and not how we’d like it to be, at least, at first.
Otherwise people get defensive. And then they don’t see what’s actually occurring.
Thirdly, people appear to have far more motivation to move out of their core issue if, as a friend said recently, they do it as service to a broad or noble cause. That usually is service to humanity.
So I’ve been processing my core issue as a service to humanity. I’m going to discuss it for the value that brings.
The Tsunami is definitely bringing it up big time. As Matthew Ward said yesterday:
“Along with raising your society’s consciousness, the prevailing vibrations are producing other effects. Persons who endure[d] trauma of one kind or another, perhaps prolonged combat, sexual molestation or other physical abuse, or mental aberrations, are especially vulnerable.” (2)
That resonated with me.
My core issue is anger arising from domestic violence. Anger was the way my Dad had me do what he wanted and anger is the way I responded to him. Much of my life was spent defending myself against him (whom I probably now have become).
Moreover, frustration at being the runt of the litter also led to anger. Not being understood, sticking out for my beliefs, all of it, with me anyways, led to anger. And the longer I kept projecting it, the denser it became.
Anger in our family was generational. It was handed down from father to son.
But not to all male members. Just to one in each generation. My brother remained unaffected. And my father’s brother.
I asked my Dad much later in life why he was so hard on me and he replied: “I don’t know, Steve. I guess you just looked like your Mother.” That explains the targeting but not the generational hand-down.
Probably due to the Tsunami of Love, I’ve been waking up at around 4 in the morning these days and finding myself processing it in my sleep. I don’t think it’s arising in me because of anything that’s happening in my life (although I am frustrated with the slow pace of things, which Matthew Ward referred to in a general way in his recent message). I think it’s arising because it’s time to release it.
At times, I haven’t been fun to be around. I’ve had to declare myself toxic and stay away from people. And I have to say that people have been very considerate. I apologize that I sometimes looked like such a nut case or a ten-year-old child.
I watch myself wanting to be self-serving with it and make excuses, but that only postpones the inevitable. I’m sick of it, but only really focused self-observation will lay the whole pattern bare. I’m in the midst of that, not finished by any means, simply aware of the pattern in its bold outlines.
It’d be so much easier not to report on this. Would I not like to skip over it and look as if I have it all together? Yes, I would.
Who wants it down on their resume that they experience anger? It’s very confronting to discuss it and I had to generate the will to do it.
But I think this is the work of these times, to share what we’re dealing with (the good, the bad and the ugly) and what we’re discovering as a result of it.
(Continued in Part 2.)
(1) “Archangel Michael via Ronna Herman: New Rays of Individualized Expression,” April 30, 2014, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2014/04/30/archangel-michael-via-ronna-herman-new-rays-of-individualized-expression/.
(2) Matthew’s Message, May 2, 2014, at http://www.matthewbooks.com/mattsmessage/