by Digger Barr
I have two chairs.
One for sittin, the other for thinkin.
Today, I sat in one of them.
I closed my eyes and set my intention on visiting Grandmother.
She has been a guide with me for many years now.
I never know what to expect. It is always interesting.
As always I approach by going up the natural carved sandstone steps
to the entrance of the cave in a bluff below a mesa.
The steps often reveal the beginning of the lesson.
This morning they were icy, cold and snow collected in the corners.
Makes sense as we are actually in a snow storm here in ordinary reality.
I wonder though what this will have to do with today’s lesson.
Entering the cave I thought maybe there would be a warm cozy hearth with a fire ablaze.
It was not.
It was cold and dark. Much like a cave would be without someone to bring it warmth.
I called out, “Grandmother, are you here?”
I must be having an off day, I thought.
Release expectations. Just sit and hang out.
Better yet, you can build a fire. Might as well stay warm while waiting.
I built a fire in a wood stove which I had never seen there before.
I built a nice fire and waited.
It’s unusual for Grandmother not to be here.
I wonder what was going on in the universe. Why was she gone?
Suddenly I felt very lonely.
The feeling crept over me and into me with such sadness I wanted to cry.
The loneliness was deep and very real.
Fighting the tears I called out into the dark. Why?
Why am I feeling such sadness when moments ago I was immersed in such love?
Why have I been left here in the dark all alone?
A reply from the dark.
‘Because you have so much love.
You need to know the sadness that so many feel.
The loneliness that others are experiencing.
In this way you can understand what to do with your love.
Do not hold on to it. Give it away.
Find a way to express it for it is much needed.’
The fire felt warm.
My sadness began to subside.
Slowly I came back into balance.
Not with overwhelming blissful love but with a sense of evenness.
The pendulum swung widely for me this morning.
Time to change chairs and look at it from the other side.
That sadness is not a feeling I will forget.
Just as love is not a feeling to ignore.
I feel its warmth again, in a hearth at my core.
Grandmother, as always, so much gratitude.