I became the Humpty Dumpty Man
(Concluded from Part 1, above.)
If you don’t feel you’ve made the acquaintance of your will, let me summarize the process by which I came back into contact with mine.
My loss of contact accompanied my dissociation, after being yelled at by my father inches from my face at age seven. I came to regard myself as the Humpty Dumpty Man.
Even after I put myself back together again, I was oblivious to the fact that I had never stumbled upon or reactivated my will. That subject was invisible. It never arose.
I came upon the subject through a process. I’m sure it was guided. It took place during a two-month convalescence from prostate surgery. I found myself irresistibly drawn to videos of the Second World War. I tried to watch other videos and none held my attention.
At the time, I was super-impressed with the way the Soviet army rose from defeat to victory. Their determination in the face of probable death had a tremendous impact on me. Moscow, Stalingrad and Kursk. Watching accounts of them over and over again gave rise to a sense of determination in me.
I also listened to Winston Churchill videos and thrilled to what he said. Again I was drawn to his bulldog determination.
By now, I was actively studying the rise of determination in me. I began to go a little nutty with it and get aggressive because I was spoiling for a fight.
That same day, I believe, I found myself noticing that I had a divided mind. I lacked singleness of purpose. There was constant chatter going on, for and against, yes and no, pro and con.
I saw that I was serving a wonderful cause and yet withholding a part of myself, grumbling and complaining. I set about really looking into single-minded determination. (1)
***
One day I found myself walking down the street in a determined gait. It wasn’t artificial. My center of gravity dropped and I felt substantial.
I quieted the mind in meditation and saw what an incredible difference that made on my determination. I felt single-minded. I had never encountered it in my life, except in moments of anger when the Humpty Dumpty Man would briefly fuse.
At that point I had the realization that Humpty, having put himself together again, was just now seeing that he also now needed to lead himself. He needed to find his will again. He needed to get himself going. This part of me had been moribund for most of my life. I went along with what others wanted or kept to myself.
My will asserted itself and I recognized what was happening. After a lifetime estranged from it, I’d suddenly found it again. I now have an ongoing, unified experience of it. Not just moments but consistent.
And I can “exercise” my will. I know where the throttle is and the brakes are. I can also suspend it and be meek and mild when I want to, as well.
My process involved more than just intellectual knowledge. When we look at finding and activating a soul-capacity like our will, we’ll need to bump our knowledge up to the experiential and realizational levels if we’re to activate it. Intellectual knowledge – getting the idea of it – just won’t do the trick. It hasn’t the power of experience, the juice of realization.
***
After so many dirty tricks, assassinations, unjust wars, thievery and trickery being practised upon them, the citizenry of the world are probably traumatized. I think we have something like global PTSD.
We’re going to have to recover generally and, once we’ve recovered, then we’ll need to start over again.
It’s at that point that we as a global society will need to re-discover, re-develop, and re-employ a robust and loving collective will. Always under the rule of an open and compassionate heart.
Thirty, forty years ago I’d say I was idly dreaming. But as the energies and the vibrations rise on the planet, and after the expected Ring of Fire, I don’t think operating these ways will seem at all strange to us.
Footnotes
(1) “Putting Humpty Together Again – Part 2/3,” July 19, 2016, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2016/07/19/putting-humpty-together-part-23/