How does one describe thoughts and feelings that have never been experienced before?
The thoughts are not really thoughts that I can put into words.
I can imagine it like walking up a long flight of stairs with your eyes closed. Not so bad if there is a handrail to guide you. Take away that guide rail and the steps are more tenuous . Keeping your balance may be harder to do and fear may creep in any unfortified crack.
It’s in these moments I steel myself and gently support myself with audible encouragement, “Steady girl, steady on.” Yes, I actually talk this way to myself.
Like when driving over Snoqualmie pass recently in the ice and snow. Keeping it in rear wheel drive at 25mph, I chose not to use the four wheel drive in order to see how successful I could be by just keeping on keeping on.
Steady as she goes. Yes, I had tools available, the four wheel drive, to make my progress more secure. Then I could go faster like the guys in the other lane flying past me at 35 mph. I thought they were the ones taking the risk. More security led them to live in the fast lane and take greater risk, in my opinion.
I stayed in the slush and the muck, going steady because it tested me and in the end gave me great confidence that I could do this. Its was more raw and felt more connected to the situation.
So we all travel a bit differently and choose to be in our comfort zone or push the edge of that zone.
Now then, you’re going up a long flight of stairs with no handrail and your eyes fully closed. You are not afraid. You take each step as it is the point of launch and you focus on the moment when you reach the landing. You do not know what is up there. You just know that is where you’re going and you’re putting in a lot of effort to get there.
This is the feeling I’m trying to describe. The ‘looking forward’ is to the landing. Not the moment of leap but the situation of the landing. Where am I going to be? Where am I going? This is what I have the acute awareness of and for which the words escape me.
Because I have no way of communicating it with words, I can only appeal to others’ understanding. A reciever with the ability to read between the lines or have a receptive heart and mind would be the ideal way to transfer communication.
A transfer of thought energy. A transmitter and the receiver. And now we have advanced technology at work. This may be the energy that our unseen friends use, embedding thought energy into their messages for us humans, the receivers, so that we may grasp the that which has no words.
So I send these words and hope to transfer the idea by a sort of telepathy in writing.
I transfer my energy, my version of a yet-to-be-realized experience. This landing place, the giant X, is like nothing I’ve ever felt. It is vast, expansive and yet beautiful with no fixed form. Like being immersed in dark liquid where each movement sparkles with light tracers.
It isn’t meditation or a portal. It is the then brought into the now. It is a mental and emotional construct of action that will carry us forward. When we jump, this is where we’ll land.
Let me try another stream of words that may give connection to my thoughts.
I walk through my house. It is familiar, grounding and solid. But while perched on the precipices of this feeling, I walk through the house in a different awareness. The house itself faded into the background. I walk into a room but the walls are in a different dimension.
Where am I going?
Freeze frame. This is the moment.
Looking beyond the now, not into the future but into the next space of possibilities. This is where we’re going next.
As I write I am in this space. Writing is difficult but I want to be here in order to convey its energy.
It feels like I’ve been gone for years and yet not at all. The room is the same, but I’m so different.
Goodness, What else am I going to do today? It’s only 7 am.