Please join me in welcoming Pamela Williams as a contributor to GAoG. A short bio appears below her article.
It is not helpful to ask another to give up their fears or to trust what they cannot. To press them when they are not open, is a form of bullying. We can trust Life itself to press us all to expand, if we sincerely strive to learn.
You cannot “talk” a person out of their fear.
You cannot “talk” a person out of their mistrust.
Education, socialization, family, history is unique for each individual. There is no mental exercise to out-maneuver that.
Last year I was speaking with a woman who said she didn’t feel heard and dismissed “her opponents” as “narrow-minded”, “uncooperative”, and “uneducated”. Hearing the separation and superiority, I asked,
“Are you sure? Maybe it is time to listen to what concerns them.
“But what if they are just Wrong?” she asked.
And I knew there was nothing more to say. From the dual world of right/wrong, good/bad, win/lose, the options are limited. People speaking from the recycled-ignorance of mass media are not tapping into their own inner knowingness. No progress, no expansion here… I guess the heat will have to increase.
“Trust no one, Love everyone.” *
“I trust everyone to do what they do.” **
I went through a dark night of my soul (there have been a few… I’m a slow learner)… hair falling out, stomach in a knot, poor sleep due to anxiety, dark voices in my head, self doubt. I did everything I could externally to secure myself… but inside I was a hot mess of fear and unworthiness.
One night after a failed attempt to meditate, I got on my knees and addressed “God”… “I cannot live, love, be… like this. It’s intolerable. The knot in my gut is exhausting, the ache in my chest, the despair, the sense of victimization and brokeness… (Turns out God real-ly delivers when we get real-ly sincere). Having just seen Zeffirelli’s “Brother Sun, Sister Moon”… about St Francis, I said, “God… Whatever it takes, do what you will … bring on the fevers, the hallucinations, whatever you have to. I hand you this confusion, misery, fear… fix me. I cannot change this, I’ve tried, failed… please!”
A week later, I was driving Sherman (I name my cars…my “Sherman Tank” was an AMC 4X4 Eagle Station Wagon) on a country road in Washington (state) at night with snow flurries appearing in my headlights. I took a left onto a downhill road that curved left… and though my steering was fully turned to the left, Sherman continued straight right off the edge of the road. Black Ice. Brakes had no effect.
As I went over the edge, there was a suspended-in-the-void feeling as I had no idea whether this edge dropped 10ft, 20ft, 100ft…? Once over the edge, Sherman landed 20ft below the road., there was silence, a pause… then a rage came up. I hiked up to the road and stood between the middle of the two tire tracks of my car’s tires and yelled, “ F-you! I really don’t need this right now! Really!!? How does this help me!!? Thanks for nothing!!” (yes, I have sworn at God, and there was no punishment… sometimes, a faint laughter in the heavens)
Looking down the road to see a farmer’s driveway, I decided to go get my purse from the car and as there were no mobile phones at the time, I would request to make a call from a stranger’s house.
I returned to my car, settled into its boggy resting place and as I was reaching towards the floor of the front passenger side, to grab my purse, I heard, for the first time, the sound of a vehicle up on the road. My thought was… “Oh! Perhaps I could flag someone down”.
The next thing I knew, in slow motion there was a blizzard of glass flying everywhere, the enormous sound of crunching metal. My car was caving in. A large truck with a camper on the back had taken the same Black Ice trajectory and landed squarely on top of Sherman (thank you Sherman for not being a Mini). Part of me was in my body but most of me seemed outside, observing.
From an almost calm position I knew that my mortality was on the line, because I seemed bound to be crushed here. I thought, “Is this how its going to end?” And then, a “yell” was formed, in me, in my gut… in my mind I spoke it/heard it… but in reality, I’m not sure if it was truly, verbally made. My whole being reverberated with “N-O-O-O-O” like a warrior command. And the knot in my stomach released and a package of coagulated something came up through my chest and throat and out my mouth in that “NO”.
And then all went still, glass in my hair, I examined myself… no blood, no pain. The cave-in seemed to stop right at the level of the seat back and the only part of the vehicle that was not crushed was the passenger door and frame, where I crawled out and exited… I felt euphoric. I heard a man say, “God! I hope there wasn’t anyone in that car.” I stood in that boggy peat, knees knocking, thinking, “‘I’ was in that car.”
An ambulance was sent for but, for a bit of bruising down my left leg from the door caving in, I was unhurt. After many remarks on how lucky I was, they convinced me to get checked out at the hospital for shock, potential internal problems and eventual insurance issues.
A friend met me at the ER, and after hearing my account, said, “Look… your soul is even with this, but your body/mind is going to haunt you. Tonight and for a bit, it will repeatedly flash this event over and over in your mind’s eye. The body’s job is to alert you. Hold on to your euphoria. Don’t get convinced by your body that you experienced fear. You didn’t. You became a warrior, and were somewhat detached in the observer position of the Soul. Hold the focus of that. Don’t let the body-fear write your memory of this. I was so blessed to receive this tip.
Later, people asked me, “Are you sorry it happened?” “Did you regret your request to God that week before?”
No. I needed that. It was a gift. A liberation. Through the years, I’ve met countless souls who were psychically trapped and in one way or another, their life seemed to be falling apart… a marriage failed, they went to jail, they were bankrupt, their was child addicted to meth, the house burned down, they were steeped in depression,etc. If they saw it as a reboot, an opportunity, not caving to the temptation of being victimized by it, they had a new life before them. In every case, they had been blurring by the essentials, the real stuff in their life; their family, friends, important connections, their moral compass, their purpose for being here. The “event” was a right angle turn they needed.
Right away, standing outside my crushed car in those first moments, I noticed, I am alive…I am breathing… I’m still in the game. My life was returned to me in the order of importance. My daughter who I had lost along the way, was coming to me. A month later, I met my life mate. In time, I came to understand that art, that creating was uniquely essential to my well-being.
I still have to address being triggered by fear from time to time. Panic can still throw me. Now I use my tools. I check in. My first question is, “this thought, evoking so much fear… am I certain its even true? Am I in the present?… the past, the future? Where in my body am I feeling it? How am I treating myself when I am afraid? How am I treating others? I am vigilant about addressing stress as it arises…
I do not let layers build. I may try to “escape” for a short period, but not for long. I am mindful when speaking to others about my current challenge, framing it in a way that keeps me sovereign over the experience, not allowing that whiney victim voice to get on stage. Nothing is worth my peace. Because of my own mortality-check, I know that death is not the robber of life, but fear. Fear is a body thing, not a soul thing.
As I look around me, I see in some ways this exploration of fear and death is taking place on a global scale.
There comes a point when fear and fear-of-death steals love, joy, thriving and inner peace. It separates us from one another. The simple mind, the mind open to the wonders found in Nature, the light-hearted soulmind grasps this. The intellectual mind, that needs graphs and charts, certificates and officials, proofs and outside authorities, has a much harder time with this… I was raised in the “religion of the perpetual intellect” and my own journey showed me that the intellectual mind lacks the dimension that renders peace.
Stress Comes to the Unprepared Mind***
In my next writing… sharing, I want to address the Truth component I opened with at the beginning of this piece. And also, if there is interest, I would be pleased to share a plethora of simple but powerful tools that can be reached for to keep you on an even keel through these times.
I know that hearing people say, “Just raise your vibration.” or “Increase your light”, or “Transcend your fears” … is like being thirsty in a desert and someone handing you an empty cup… philosophy, without experience is the cup.
There are ways to raise your frequency, shine brightly and get beyond your fear… to find out for yourself that the Universe is Unified, friendly… that brain research has shown that we can heal our brain, heal our wounds… that we are hard-wired for well-being.
Pamela Williams’ spiritual background includes gnostic/initiate school, Vipassana, and Byron Katie. Her work on a crisis line saw her begin to realize how pervasive human despair was and the potential for freedom.
Writing is her way of processing all and tossing the dross.
Roles she has but they don’t have her: Mother, Amma (granny), wife, daughter, artist, teacher, writer, gardener. Her love of freedom and creativity are the values that drive her … informing all relationships and choices. She lives in Anchorage with her partner Leland.