I’m getting what it might have been like for all my girlfriends before 2015.
Until then, I never experienced love. OK, I did for a few brief moments a year in a rare spiritual experience, but apart from those dazzling moments, which I didn’t understand, I did not experience love.
The reasons were all anchored in physical and emotional abuse so I was “justified.”
But the outcome was the same: I never loved anyone, including myself.
Dying on the vine, my girlfriends left.
Then in 2015 I had an explosive heart opening that left me in the inner tsunami of love. I ended up in the Ocean of Love (that the Divine Mother is).
At that moment and for an extended period after, I lived in a state of higher-dimensional love. I do not live in that state now. But the memory is indelible.
What it had me see was that I never knew that the wellspring of love lay in my very own heart or that I could draw up love on the inbreath and breathe it out to the world on the outbreath. Until that time, I was seeking love from others.
I never knew that love must flow and that my reward for sending it out was to experience it as it went through me. I never knew that the Self was to be found in the very deepest recesses of the heart, what merits being called the “seat of the soul.”
All these things were unknown to me.
What I’m seeing now about my earlier life is that a pattern occurred. Women loved me for a while, lost interest, and then left. I never knew why it was. And it was because I was not sending them love, not being affectionate, not seeming to care.
I’m seeing it now. I never saw it before. I can understand their side of the story, which is what karma does, does it not? Shows us the bigger picture? Helps us walk a mile in their shoes?
We always see the source of the problem as outside ourselves. No, this was inside me. And it didn’t matter that I was justified, the result was the same.
I apologize to all the people I never loved.
I’m going to pause for a bit and let this latest lesson, in the school of life, sink in.