Core issues or root vasanas go very, very deep.
Sometimes it seems that no matter how deeply we go with them, much remains.
And what remains is significant and impactful, usually connected to our immediate family and earliest years.
As the twig was bent, the tree inclined. I grew up repeating certain behavior patterns until they became just the way life was – familiar, forgotten, and habitual.
I valued acting in the way these vasanas laid down. These were protective patterns of behavior.
I resisted trying out the unfamiliar. In this way I became addicted to pain, resisting attempts to live life a different way.
“Addicted to pain” is a notion that Archangel Michael discussed long ago, which I never got until recently. (1) I now see where I’m addicted to pain and the area of father hatred we’re discussing here is chief among them.
How many years have you heard me complain about my father’s behavior? It must seem like I’m digging to the center of the Earth. It goes on forever.
And yet I’m nowhere near being at the end of this vasana.
Just this evening a new chapter of it opened up for me.
I saw for the first time – out of working with Kathleen’s material on forgiveness – that I was living into a perfect template of my Dad’s behavior.
I attempt to push people around with my grumpiness. I’m always right. I get annoyed if accused of being wrong.
If people cooperate with me, all is fine, but if someone resists, I “take them on.” And I feel justified in being these ways.
My Dad and I are interchangeable.
I can’t hold myself up as a leader. I’m still far too prone to reactivation. I have incompletions all around me. It’s soon gonna be curtain time and I don’t feel anywhere near being ready.
I was weeping tonight, feeling so discouraged. How was I going to cover the distance to do what’s expected of me after the Reval, never mind what I’m doing now? I couldn’t see how I could. I surrendered to my Divine Ideal.
This is the main vasana: Father hatred. I’ve wrestled with it for years. You’d think it’d be over by now. And yet here I find below all the mental contortions a whole other layer of unconsciously-patterned behavior, exactly what I accuse my Dad of. In another way I’ve become him.
And I imagine there are other layers below this one.
The main thing I have to stop doing is using irritability as a means of obliging or pressuring other people to go along with me. That’s unfair and a violation of the Law of Free Will. I’m calling myself on this one.
I’m addicted to the pain that results from my irritability because I’m addicted to needing to get my way on certain things. I’m also addicted to using unacceptable behavior to get my way if I need to. Dad did that a lot.
I resist changing this pattern of behavior. I justify it as me being a protector, a warrior, a victim of physical and emotional abuse, on and on. I just keep adding justifications.
But the plain physics of the matter is that I’m addicted. Conditioned. Habituated. Call it what you will.
Phew! The truth resisted hurts forever and denies us satisfaction. The truth expressed hurts for a minute but brings satisfaction.
What more can I think of doing to dig out the roots of this vasana? Forgive something? See Dad’s lot with compassion? Be grateful for what he has inspired in me, for helping me get over a probably-innate temper? Take a stand on myself and get off it? Surrender? What do I need to do?
(1) Here we discuss the notion:
Steve: Can you explain what you mean by addiction to pain? Addiction to pleasure I can understand, but not pain. What is addiction to pain?
Archangel Michael: Addiction to pain is one of the most common addictions on the planet.
S: Really? Is that like my addiction to anger?
AAM: Yes. All addictions are addictions to pain.
S: Wow. The concept escapes me. I don’t know why.
AAM: If you scratch the surface, they are all about pain. They are all self-injurious.
S: Why would somebody want that? Addiction to me means you want something. You want pain?
AAM: Because that is the way – a lack of love – the old Third was constructed.
AAM: Yes, that was how you were all held captive. You all became addicted to pain. (Archangel Michael in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, Aug. 22, 2014.)