Update: I have set up a Go Fund Me for our roof (see below), which you can find here: httpss://www.gofundme.com/help-wes-amp-his-family-get-a-new-roof.
We also accept donations via PayPal ([email protected]).
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If my words in this article make it seem like I’m giving up on writing or running the blog, I promise that is not the case.
I plan to continue writing for the blog and the Weekly Awareness Guide, but for this post, I needed to get out some stress.
I’m also (pretty badly) in need of financial help to ensure I can continue to run the blog, which is one reason I’m experiencing so much stress and anxiety. But, to reiterate, I’m not going anywhere for now.
I need to be honest about why I haven’t been posting to the blog this week. It’s been a rough week for me emotionally, as I’ve been experiencing intense anxiety and panic attacks over a few things I will elaborate on here.
Last Friday night, something happened in my home that I’d prefer not to explain. A problem we were having in the home that we didn’t know the extent of had suddenly become much worse.
For whatever reason – I think there were multiple reasons – I couldn’t handle it.
I had a massive panic attack that lasted for over two hours. Throughout most of it, my wife couldn’t calm me. I was shaking, breathing uncontrollably fast, and crying hysterically.
I’m not proud of it, and it’s very, very embarrassing to admit. I’m a grown man who had a huge panic attack and could not stop crying or freaking out over something I should have been able to handle.
I only admit it to give you context as to why, again, I haven’t been around this week. I promise it was not out of neglect.
Eventually, I was able to calm down. In the days following, we’ve been dealing with the problem in our home the best we can. It’s not completely dealt with, but we’ve made significant progress.
Our family has been great about helping us, and I can’t thank them enough.
My fear and anxiety did not stop when I finally calmed down Friday night. In the aftermath of the panic attack, I’m still struggling with bad anxiety and panicky feelings.
Last night (Wednesday night), I had another panic attack – this time over something else I’m afraid will go wrong in this house. This was a much smaller panic attack but was nonetheless overwhelming.
In a moment I will explain what I believe to be the source of this overwhelming anxiety. But last night, I was again feeling freaked out.
Something is going on with me. Everyone has been telling me it will be okay and recommending I take things one day at a time. But I’m fighting a continuous battle with fear, stress, anxiety, and more recently, depression.
I’ve been working hard this week on things that have to do with my home, and staying busy does help me occupy my mind. The moment I stop working and try to relax, however, it all comes rushing back.
I feel too afraid to relax my mind, which means meditation is not an option right now.
I’m trying to stay busy, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I need to get this out in writing – for my sake and for those of you who may wonder where I’ve been and if everything is okay over here.
I wish I could say it is, but if I’m being honest; I’m struggling more than ever.
My anxiety stems from the fact that I’m not making enough of an income through writing or running the blog. My dream is to work from home and make a living doing what I love – writing, podcasting, and all that great stuff.
At the same time, my biggest fear is something going horribly wrong in my home and having no money to fix it. Right now, we have no extra money for anything. Ever. We barely make enough to cover bills, and some months we don’t even have enough for that.
Our car broke down almost a year ago, and since we’re broke, we’ve had to live without a car.
That means walking our child to school every day or finding rides when weather doesn’t permit walking. It also means relying on family for our grocery shopping each month, as well as anything we need to do that is not in walking distance.
It sucks, because I know my problems are not my family’s responsibility. And yet, I have no choice but to keep asking for their help. It’s not fair to them, and it too is embarrassing to admit.
Before my panic attack last weekend, I would experience regular anxiety over the thought of anything going wrong. It’s not unwarranted, as there are a few ticking time bombs in this home ready to go off any minute.
First, our roof is badly damaged and in need of replacement. It is leaking and visibly sagging in some areas, meaning that any day now I could be dealing with a crisis far worse than what caused my panic attack Friday night.
The snow and winter weather are worsening the problem, and we’ll be lucky if our roof makes it through the winter.
To get it completely replaced will be at least $5,000 (which is what a roofing company told us last summer when they looked at it), and again, we have no extra money for anything. Maybe this puts my anxiety in perspective.
It is by far the biggest expense that has been causing the most anxiety.
The roof problem has been weighing on us for the past 2+ years, but I’ve been continuing to write and run the blog in hopes that it would earn us the extra money to deal with it. We currently have no money saved up for a much-needed rainy day fund.
Next, we have a furnace that was built in the 80s (this is an old house) and is due to be replaced any time. It is still working at the moment, but I’m afraid it won’t make it through the winter. If it goes out, that would be another $2-3000 at least.
Last winter, the furnace needed parts replaced which cost over $400. Fortunately, we had family around to help. But the repairman told us the entire furnace may need replaced in the next year or 2 years if we’re lucky.
I’m also worried about our water heater, which seemed to make noises last night that it doesn’t usually make. This was the cause of my smaller panic attack last night, although it could be nothing.
This is one reason I think something is not right with me. Lately, these small stresses have been causing me intense fear and panic. Then again, maybe the stresses aren’t so small.
Maybe I’m just at the end of my rope, and having so little money but so many expenses is weighing too much on me.
I intend to start a Go Fund Me for the roof and make an urgent post asking readers for help with all this, but I’ve been so busy this week that I haven’t had the time or energy.
I will do it soon, in hopes that readers can send funds we can save up to start dealing with it all.
As much as you have all helped us in the past – including being the reason we have this home in the first place – I hate asking for help with money. I wish I could make content you will enjoy without money being a part of the equation.
Sadly, life is showing me that this just can’t happen. I need to start saving up, but to do so, I need more of an income.
For me, what went wrong in our home Friday night was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It had nothing to do with the roof, furnace, or water heater. It was a totally different problem that we knew about but did not know the extent of.
Needless to say, it was my breaking point.
I love this home, but being a homeowner is terrifying when you have no extra funds for the countless things that could go wrong. It’s given me bad anxiety for the past 3 years.
In desperate need of the money to deal with all these problems, I am now at a fork in the road. I can make one last attempt to raise funds from readers for the roof and other expenses, which again, I plan to do.
My only other option is to go ahead and get a day job, which I don’t want to do but will absolutely do if necessary.
I’m willing to do anything to get the money we need for all this, even if it means taking time away from writing to work a job that will get us some extra funds we can put into a savings.
It would break my heart to be away from the blog, but if I have to do it, I will.
I just can’t take this anxiety anymore. I can’t take being without a car or struggling to pay bills every month. I can’t take being scared that the roof will cave in or the furnace will go out and it will all be my fault for not working a regular job in the first place.
I can’t take the feeling that I’m asking too much of my family and not providing like I should be.
I love writing, and I want more than anything to do it for a living. But this stress is killing me.
I don’t know how to wrap this up, except to say that I love all our readers. I appreciate the support you’ve all given us more than I could ever express.
You have helped us so much, and it goes to show that this spiritual community is not all talk and no action. You’ve shown us so much compassion these past 7+ years that I get emotional just thinking about it. I can’t thank you all enough.
More importantly: I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I haven’t been around much and haven’t been as personal with you all as I was in 2013-2014 around the time you helped us get this home.
I became embarrassed to admit or write about the problems we’ve been going through, even though again, you all show us nothing but compassion.
I’ve just wanted to give you great content as a thank-you for all the times you’ve helped us. I’m a twenty-something kid with very little education who felt inspired to make this stuff for a living, and you have welcomed me with open arms.
I should be giving back, but I haven’t been.
Despite your support, I haven’t been writing or posting to the blog nearly as much as I should be. You’ve probably noticed, and I can’t deny it. Things have been very difficult, but that is no excuse.
If in some amazing future my family can make it through this and raise the money for all our expenses, then I will really start giving back.
For now, I don’t know what will happen. Like everyone has been telling me, I just need to take it one day at a time.
I will try my best to write and post to the blog the next couple weeks while continuing to work on our home and figure out how to get the money we desperately need for our roof and other expenses.
Thank you all for your support, and I’m deeply sorry that things are not going the way I envisioned.
I feel like I’ve failed you, and I hope you understand that I may need some time for my mental health while I figure out what to do with all these expenses and personal problems.
I plan to be around as much as possible, but I may miss some days and for that I sincerely apologize.
Anything you can give, including positive vibes or kind words, is welcomed. I’m really struggling right now. But here’s to the hope for a brighter future.
For anyone who can help, my PayPal email is [email protected]. I hae also set up a Go Fund Me page for the roof.
Wes Annac, Editor, Karma Yoga Daily
Featured image credit: Pixabay