I’d like to look at the forms of vasanas or core issues here.
I’ve recently discovered that they come in two forms.
The first form is usually triggered by memories of trauma inflicted upon us by others. And this is the kind I’ve written about up until today.
The second form – and I don’t think I’ve ever written on this – is triggered by traumatic memories of how we behaved ourselves.
An example of the first are the many articles I posted here on emerging from the trauma of living with a violent father. (1)
Here’s an example of the second.
I was faced with a situation in which I was encountering a way of being that I myself used on my Father in my family.
I had no defense against it. I was revolted by how mean and nasty it was.
Oh my Gawd, I said to myself. That’s how I treated my Dad? I couldn’t stand it … errr … me.
Boy, did I ever create a monster out of a felt need to defend myself.
Digging oneself out from under the rubble we ourselves have created can at times seem like an never-ending task.
It’s like looking at the aftermath of a landslide or an avalanche – a huge amount of rubble – and wondering how we’re ever going to do it.
And, in the case of this second type of vasana, it isn’t a case of forgiving someone else. It’s distinctly one of forgiving one’s self.
I appreciate the dangers I faced, especially to a sensitive personality who looked for love and got only harm, but I regret responding to it in that way.
I wish I had then the insight I have now. But alas, I didn’t and the past is gone.
I let go of that way of being and send the energy back to the Divine Mother for recycling.
I ask Archangel Michael to remove this vasana as a way of being that I no longer require. And to remove all memories of it, now that I’ve written this down.
This way of behaving towards my Dad is the kernel of my “Unfriendly” behavior. I see it now.
It’s amazing how, when one resolves to encounter a way of being, the universe cooperates by sending the needed circumstances.
(1) My Dad’s abuse was child-specific. When I asked him in later life why he was so hard on me, he replied, “I don’t know, Steve. I guess it was because you looked like your Mother.” A hard truth.
Why have I talked about it so much? Because it takes some time and some doing to return to a balance point, a point of things being normal, after you’ve lived with a violent father – or been raped or dominated, etc.
Your compass is off. Your emotionality is high. You’re high-strung, cautious, susceptible to stress. It takes work to come back from this space.
You’ve actually watched me come back from it over the course of years and can see how much work it’s taken me. And I know many other lightworkers in the same place, who’ve chosen a crash course in what Gaians have faced over the centuries: Misery.