Staring at the ceiling
I’m going through a process at the moment, one that has been building for weeks. And I don’t know how clear and detailed I can be about it because of the very nature of the process. It militates against clarity and detailed recollection.
I write about it because you may be going through it too and because I have an agreement with myself to go through my Ascension process publicly.
It began a few weeks ago and first surfaced as a loss of interest in researching. That gradually advanced to become an active repulsion towards researching and a reliance more and more on memory.
But then, unbeknownst to me, even memory began to fail me. Now this admission comes from a person who had a photographic memory once, being able to recall even the location on a page where a quote could be found. But now I was remembering only faultily or not at all.
I made a mistake in recall some weeks ago and then another mistake more recently. And then, these two mistakes having come to my attention, I began to look within myself for the reason why they were happening.
In the process of doing that, I caught myself making a third mistake this morning. And when I saw that third mistake I realized that I was in a process that was causing these mistakes. I’d been resisting it until now. But the process went on though resisted. And the minute I saw the process and stopped resisting it, it began in earnest.
I’m now in the midst of that process, surrendered to it, and almost incapacitated by it as far as relating to the world is concerned. The only word I can find to describe it is “absorption.”
With my last ounce of research energy, perhaps I can find a few quotes on absorption. This is the kind of absorption I mean.
Krishna: “Now let him struggle to reach my oneness,
Ever-absorbed, his eyes on me always,
His prize, his purpose.” (1)
Ramana Maharshi: “If one watches whence this notion ‘I’ springs, the mind is absorbed into that. That is tapas [true austerity].” (2)
Paramahansa Ramakrishna: “The mind of the yogi is always fixed on God, always absorbed in the Self.” (3)
Da Free John: “That Presence could be identified as ‘Reality,’ ‘Self,’ ‘God,’ ‘Shakti,’ ‘Guru’ or whatever. It was simply the sense of being related to a Presence that was truth and reality itself; a perfectly absorbing, consoling, illuminating Force that contained me, lived me and guided me. It is the heart of all religious and spiritual experience.” (4)
I’m not trying to overdo things here or make more out of something than is justifiable. But I’m trying to report a phenomenon.
So often we arrive at superficial understandings of things. If I were to say self-absorbed, we might immediately hear selfishness or self-indulgence. I don’t feel selfish or self-indulgent. But I do feel that I cannot wrest my attention from a rapidly-shrinking field of awareness which appears to be centered in the here and now and increasingly in the smaller and smaller vicinity of me.
I have no ability at this moment to think, none to remember, and the thing I most want to do is to simply be without an agenda, purpose or reason.
No, I’m not burned out. I feel wonderful actually. Not tired. Not on edge or compulsive or frightened.
I actually feel quite happy and stable. But just unable to wrest my consciousness from its ever-diminishing focus.
And there are two of me: one the conditioned side of me, which is muted, but still expresses itself in habitual reactions to things and two an unfettered, unconditioned side which simply wants to be.
Ordinarily the conditioned side would win out nine times out of ten. But at the moment the unconditioned side is winning out.
All of this is decidedly inconvenient because there are editors to speak to, teams to liaise with, discussion groups to pay attention to, emails to answer, articles to write, broadcasting colleagues to work with, so, so much to do. But I’m incapable of doing much of anything, absorbed as I am. And there’s nothing I can do about being able to do nothing.
This will be a test of the community we’ve built here because people will have to take over from me and organize themselves and run without my intervention until this mood passes. Either we’re able to make the leap or we’re not. And this is when we find out which it will be.
In a sense I’m trapped and incapable of fighting my way out of the trap. The only thing I can realistically do is to surrender and let the chips fall where they may.
I have little remaining interest in what’s happening in the outside world. I’d need interest to keep up with things and I finally have to admit a lack of interest and stop trying to pretend that that interest still exists. It isn’t that I don’t care about the world. I do. But I’m unable to keep my mind on it at the present moment.
I have a great interest and even hunger for anything spiritual. I’d like nothing better than to listen to a choir singing “Angel of Peace” or “Allelujah.” I can’t talk on the phone because it requires me to listen and think and both of them feel hard to do at the present moment.
I’m not alarmed by this. I’m quite sure it’s all a part of the Ascension process. I don’t feel a need to ask for advice or consult a doctor or call in the troops. Not so coincidentally I have a reading scheduled with AAM this afternoon and will be able to inquire as to what may be happening.
But if anything I feel a need to lie on my bed and be still. I’d like nothing more than to stare at the ceiling and just allow this process to do with me what it will.
I’ll be taking care of each thing as I find the energy to. Several readers have written in and asked why I haven’t answered their letters. Was it something they said? I’m not sure why I haven’t in any one particular case. But I can say that after this moment, I’ll only be answering letters very haphazardly. I have no ability at the moment to concentrate and no desire to spend time reading right now.
I expect when some people read this, my Skype will light up like Christmas tree. But just know that I’m not sure I can speak to anyone right now and if I tried I’d just probably become grumpy and grumbly. Not a pretty sight. If you Skype message me, please no long sequences of messages.
This may be happening to you. It may already have happened to you. So often when I report an incident, you write in and say that that exact same thing has been happening for you. So I’d expect some synchronicity or I wouldn’t be writing about it.
If you wish an answer, perhaps write Suzi at “Contact Us.” I’m going to need to follow the rabbit hole wherever it leads. It may take a day; it may take a week. I have no idea. I’ll communicate as best I can because things like this are to be expected in this year of 2012 so the more information we have on them, I think, the better.
Footnotes
(1) Sri Krishna in Swami Prabhavananda and Christopher Isherwood, trans., Bhagavad-Gita. The Song of God. New York and Scarborough: New American Library, 1972; c1944, 65.
(2) Ramana Maharshi in M. Subbaraya Karnath, Sri Maharshi: A Short Life-Sketch. Tiruvannamalai: Sri Ramanasaramam, 1986., 14.
(3) Paramahansa Ramakrishna in Swami Nikhilananda, trans., The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna. New York: Ramakrishna-Vivekananda Center, 1978; c1942, 113.
(4) Da Free John, The Knee of Listening. Original Edition. Clearlake, CA; Dawn Horse Press, 1984; c1973, 136-7.