If what I’m writing is an Ascension ethnography – a day-by-day account of some of the more significant events that are part of our gradual Ascension – then I need to give more prominence to what happened yesterday. (1)
Yesterday, I moved, as a result of minor realizations or “Aha’s!”, from what I’d call negative territory to positive.
I no longer thought of myself as a person who was damaged, discouraged, beaten down, etc.
As a result of feeling grateful and really diving deeply into it, I glimpsed what I came to see as positive territory. But I not only glimpsed it; I experienced it and then realized what it pointed at – the Higher Self I had seen in a vision.
Again, this was only a minor realization, not a major one, such as an enlightenment experience. That is, it was not so deep a realization that it blossomed into enlightenment.
I now realized that “negative territory” was composed of a grid of false beliefs I had adopted towards myself out of conclusions and decisions I made in response to traumatic events (in other words, in response to vasanas).
I remember that later yesterday, I walked out on the street and for the first time in my life I felt like looking people in the eye and smiling at them.
Previously I had all kinds of reasons why not to – I’m thinking, I’m busy, I don’t want to be distracted, I don’t want to make small talk, etc.
But the real test came today, in the shower (natch). I was preparing myself for a conference call when I suddenly felt out of sorts. I felt tired and cranky at the thought of needing to get myself going.
In all past times, I would have said that “I” was cranky and become cranky. Then I’d invent a story around why. And I’d practice my story, try it out on myself and others, sell it to them, and so the day would go.
None of this would show up in my writings, which is “onstage.” All of this would be “offstage.”
Because I’ve passed into positive territory, I didn’t immediately identify with the crankiness that arose. I didn’t automatically put it on it as if it were a suit of clothes and go around all day being cranky and having a story that explained and justified my mood.
I said to myself that that’s not who I am. For the first time in my life, I could see an alternative (positive territory) and I went with that.
I saw that my earlier responses could only have been vasana-driven, conditioned thoughts, which I stood back from and simply observed (as Michael has long advised). They soon left.
Instead of having me in their grip for the rest of the day because I locked in the coupling between me and them -no different than a locomotive coupling with box cars and then pulling them around all day – I did not couple with them and they soon went on their way.
Underneath them, I was fine.
That is the first time in my life that I can remember doing this. It was also the first significant proof that I’ve crossed over into positive territory.
I decided to do more of a positive nature.
I began to do the things I love and that helped me feel grounded – in my case, cleaning my apartment, which I love to do.
I began to draw love up from my heart on the inbreath and radiate it out to the world on the outbreath.
I began to count the things I feel grateful for. All of these brought me in sight of positive territory again.
Having an alternative meant that I now could understand what was meant by “identifying” with a feeling. I don’t think I’d ever have known what that meant until I saw, and understood something different from it, some alternative.
Seeing that now, I saw that life could be different. There was an alternative to being every negative feeling that entered my mind. I didn’t have to drag a negative thought around all day.
This was a crucial development for me. It was like walking out of the rain by one door and into the sun by another.
I now could choose to stand back from negative feelings and observe them. I could allow them their short appearance before bidding them farewell. And what was left, the default, the residuum, is an altogether different world.
This is my bookmark.
(1) “Inside the Mother’s Locker – Part 2/2,”