Continuing with our Ascension ethnography, having spent perhaps the last five years online processing vasanas, I thought I was finished with them more than once, only to have them re-emerge.
But they’ve lessened overall and my cumulative level of experience, emotional floor, or sense of things has risen dramatically.
Nonetheless, just when I thought I’d get a rest, a whole ghost army marched into view.
That army is my conditioned behavior – all the I-Robot instructions I’ve given myself over the years that are the precipitate, the ultimate conclusions and decisions of my late vasanas. These instructions run in perpetuity, in the unexamined mind.
“Get even.” “Don’t let them get away with that.” “Go after him.” “Keep your guard up.” “Take everything with a grain of salt.” “Everyone who gives something wants something.”
They’re all banal instructions handed down to me from my father, just waiting for me to hand them down to my children.
Lock-step behavior results. If someone says A to me, I say B. If they respond with C, I respond with D. On and on the dance of the automatons goes and, if we triumph, we smile.
Our private lunchroom conversations are all about “How did I do?” Howdido with the boss? Howdido with the partner? The neighbor? The bank manager?
When we get our story to the place we want it, we close the book. It now becomes a useful element in the self we construct and sell to the world. I’m the guy who told his manager off. I’m the gal who….
This is a description of our lives. Well, it was certainly a description of mine. Selling a projected “Me,” a mere idea of myself to the world. I may as well have been eating dry oatmeal for all the joy and happiness it brought.
One doesn’t wake up only to Ascension. One can also wake up to the mechanicalness of one’s own life.
So conditioned behavior is next.
I’m no longer willing to say, let’s just get over this next hurdle and it’ll all be over. I actually don’t know what lies beyond the next hurdle.
I know what the next hurdle for me is, but who knows what will emerge beyond that as the energies get more and more refined?
In terms of now handling the problem my overall conditioned behavior presents to me, keeping in mind our individuality in all things, I’ve established a beachhead of understanding for myself.
That is that my most urgent task with regard to it is to “Stop.” (1) Over and over I find myself refraining from saying what just came into my conditioned mind.
Others may need to “Start.” But I know, viewed from a topdown perspective, I’m the opposite.
Let me “Start” there – or perhaps “Stop” there – and see what impact stopping has on my conditioned behavior as a total repertoire.
I’m looking to transcend or get beyond conditioned behavior itself. But not too quickly. I need to do the job thoroughly or the roots spring up again.
At this moment, I have no idea how to do it.
(1) I’m an over-communicator where most others might be under-communicators. I wear myself out.
But how simple is stopping? Starting must be harder.
For more on stopping, see “A Strong and Stable Foundation,” Sept. 24, 2016, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=281605