As I continue to bring more and more of my conditioning or self-programming to my attention, I notice that, of a typical day, I’m a jumble of emotions.
As fast as one comes up, I look for the source of it.
A large woman on the bus sat next to me, pressing herself against me, and I felt irritation, which quickly shaded into antagonism – for no apparent reason.
When I asked my mind to tell me where it came from, I saw what we used to call “hoods” or “greasers” when I was a young teen. They were throwing a milkshake at our car. I felt violated. The connecting piece is the sense of feeling violated.
But then another comes up just as fast, though if I were not aware of it, I’d never notice it.
Crossing the street in one of the more run-down parts of town, I felt insecurity, which quickly shaded into hatred. When I asked my mind about that, I saw an image of me being beaten up on the primary-school grounds. The connecting piece is the sense of feeling insecure.
All day I went from one emotional interruption in my well-being to the next. Between times, I felt wonderful – loving, blissful, joyful. Then bang! Another negative emotion.
A few nights ago, I spent a few hours just watching all the thoughts and feelings arise. I was like a symphony orchestra playing some energetic piece from Mozart. A strong urge existed inside me and demanded that I pay attention to all these thoughts and feelings. In the end, it developed that they only wanted attention to be completed.
What this demonstrated to me was how much of a stimulus/response machine I am. So many of my responses are closed and conditioned rather than being open and spontaneous.
It’s interesting to think that all we need to do to release ourselves from this dilemma is to simply become aware of these reactions. I’m not suggesting taking a baseball bat to a punching bag or screaming at the top of our lungs. Just remaining aware. Nothing could be less obtrusive or intrusive and more contemplative and meditative.
Again the bliss flows. But it’s much more intermittent these days than it was before. Mostly these days I’m not in bliss. It’s become like an old friend I see infrequently.
Before I go, I’d like to add that I’m also aware of situational stress. I’m at once becoming more accustomed to the idea of leadership while at the same time feeling the pressures more.
Moreover, I often say that I can’t wait for the main events to start but, at the same time, as we approach them, the situational stress increases.
I’m finding this a difficult path to walk, which doesn’t mean I won’t walk it. But it’s taking adjustment. And the adjustment process feels like the movement of tectonic plates inside me. There’s much creaking and groaning in the process and minor releases of steam.
(1) “Hoods” because they came from rough neighborhoods, I suppose. Greasers because they used grease to get their hair to do a ducktail at the back and a curl in the front.