Ok, what’s up with the dissolving memories? I’ve been having this interesting phenomenon present itself to me for several years now. It seems to be accelerating too. Once again, the reports from my peers are also hinting at the same process going on for some of them on some level too.
For those who’ve been following the videos that Matt Kahn has been sharing on YouTube, you may have heard him make mention of his life memories going away as well. Oh yea, I can totally relate.
For me, this memory relapse has had some very strange ramifications. I can’t say I hold all the answers to this, or even that I know the right questions to ask in order to seek the answers. I just want to share with you my personal view on what’s happening with me.
Let me talk about one instance of this to illustrate my meaning, although there’s far more than one instance of dissolving and disappearing memories in my life. This is a definite trend.
I lived through a very dramatic bout with cancer when I was in my mid-twenties. In a nutshell, it was so far advanced when I was diagnosed that there wasn’t really any ‘reason’ to believe I’d live through it and all the reason in the world to believe I wouldn’t.
Certainly this incident is a milestone of my life and I remember it clearly. It has, in fact, been with me, consciously, throughout the remainder of my life since then. The lessons were so life-changing and important to me, I’ve kept them close. I can never forget them. I would never wish to.
I’ve even had the thought many times that my life could be separated into two parts, before cancer (BC) and after cancer (AC). Amazing to most, I consider this to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and the most wonderful miracle, which firmly set me on my path to where I am now. I mention this to show how intimately this particular passage in my life has woven into my consciousness and awareness.
I’ve shared the story of this drama many times over the years. People keep telling me I need to write a book about it, and this has been going on, literally, for decades.
So, here’s what happened when I finally caved in and began to do the writing of this story. I dove into my memories in order to pull out the details of what I experienced at that time. This is a necessity for writing such a deeply subjective experience.
There was nothing about this life drama that was less than high drama. The story of life and death! So, yea, it would make a good story. Sure, I could share it, couldn’t I?
Only that’s not what happened. What happened is when I dove into my memories to pull out the details, the details of it had dramatically changed!
Whaaaa??? Wait a minute! How could this be? I went through a process of disbelief over it. I had an argument going with myself too.
I know I remember the highlights of it, true to what I experienced at that time. So, what the heck is going on here?
When I went to dig deeper and refresh my memory for writing it up and sharing it, I got this clear message: “It didn’t happen like that!” Ignoring this statement and continuing to look for the details has been giving me the same answer again and again.
What is a person to do with this? When did this process happen and how? Why did it happen? So many questions.
I realize that the thought I had of writing this story about my personal cancer drama to share is now a useless one. The very story itself has dissolved. The framework may still be there in some form, but the flesh and blood of it is missing.
The part of the story which contained the miracles and wonder are there, it’s the gore and mayhem, the fear and horrible feelings of that passage that are… well, just gone.
I also realize that the details of it aren’t a necessity for me to carry now. Perhaps the lessons involved, the evolutionary push the experience provided, or whatever other real value of those memories have served their purpose, therefore, they’re no longer supported as a part of me.
I can’t say I’m sorry to see them go. I really don’t need them anymore, and I’ve known this for a long time now. Even the story as it once existed isn’t in alignment with who I am now and what I’m up to.
I wonder if this is a feature of where the collective consciousness we all share is headed? What would the world be like if we all forgot the fear, the grief, the suffering we’ve been carrying with us?