(Continued from Part 1.)
Record of the Experience – 1
I’m not sure if my pen can capture what I’m facing at this moment. And I have no idea how long it will take to process this experience.
As challenging as it is, I‘ll go through this process publicly because it’s part of Ascension. I do hope it helps others.
I’m confronting in myself something that has remained hidden and yet at the same time has existed in what Werner Erhard might have called the “background of obviousness.” I call it the subterranean unconscious.
It has always been there. It has always been felt at some level. And yet I’ve remained unaware of it until now.
It’s the cause of everything I’ve ever done that has been ill-advised, misbegotten, harmful, untoward … I don’t know what other words to use.
It sits there like a dense fog, a barrier that will not allow through-passage. Or rather that blocks passage. That blocks any further progress. And it’s related to collaboration and so it has come up at the moment of my seeing the value of collaboration.
After realizing what I had gained from my recent meet-up experience in Seattle, I experienced a rise in vibration which increased and which I welcomed, until I found myself up against a barrier beyond which I couldn’t go.
Robert Munroe, in one of his out-of-body experiences, found himself up against a wall that he couldn’t surpass. He went up and down and in every direction and could not find a way around it or through it.
In his case, he remembered going back by the way he came and escaped his dilemma but mine does not yield to that.
I’m at a standstill in my processing. And I’m willing to remain at a standstill until I experience through to completion whatever this is. It isn’t a vasana. [It turned out to be a major vasana or core issue, but I didn’t see that at first.] It isn’t a false grid. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anything similar so I don’t even have a name for it.
It’s now 5 a.m. in the morning and this is as far as I’ve gotten with it in a nighttime of awakeness and confrontation of the barrier.
It’s so banal an experience. It’s an always-already-present feeling which is never noticed, never seen, never consciously felt, but which has been there since forever and colors every experience, just as anger before it colored every experience.
It goes deeper than my anger. It has constituents. It consists of the residue of all judgments, all resentments, all hatreds.
The worst thing in the world would be for it to somehow dissolve back into the background of obviousness, the subterranean unconscious, without me having completed it while it was up to awareness. Vasanas can only be completed when they’re up. [By now I see it’s a vasana.]
So I’m doing nothing else, nothing that might distract me or cause it to dissipate unresolved.
The words “dark night of the soul” seem appropriate here, but without wanting to be melodramatic.
This experience has a bodily component. It surfaces as a band of muscular tension at the level of my solar plexus. I hear a friend saying “the level of the will.”
It has a second bodily component. I can feel it as an impediment to the in-breath. There’s a place at the top of the in-breath where my breath becomes retarded, beyond which I cannot go without great effort. I’ll use that as a measure of release. [But I never got to release. Not in this pass at it.]
Where the two connect is that the in-breath becomes impeded when it reaches the point of engaging the solar plexus. It[‘s the solar plexus that impedes the in-breath.
Another word for it comes to mind: “the impurities.” And, as I see that, I begin using Vipassana meditation, circling my body with awareness. I spend time on the solar plexus as I pass it. And I watch the in-breath for the place of impediment.
I marvel at how this experience has remained below awareness all this time.
I hear “Use Ho’oponopono” and I begin using that as well. It’s now 5:30 a.m. and I haven’t slept a wink all night.
(Continued in Part 3.)