Marilyn courageously continues to tackle some of the tough topics. Apart from assisting us therapeutically by sharing, Marilyn is also emerging from whatever grip this vasana may have had on her. Sharing, by the way, is the means to free ourselves from the secrets that have power over us.
Incest: Love Heals the Soul
By Rev. Marilyn Redmond, BA, CHT, IBRT
I understand that if everyday you have an overriding intention to change and improve your story, that you can create that new story. The Law of Attraction will draw it to you.
Burying my incest deeply was necessary for my survival in a dysfunctional family that was unable to function emotionally. I joined bands, orchestras, and other groups desperately wanting to fit in. In my adult life, I pretended to be a mother, wife, and teacher, while still a wounded little girl inside. Not feeling close to people left me feeling abandoned, lonely and rejected. Why I felt disconnected with others was a mystery.
I did not have the luxury of growing up with love and nurturing. My alcoholic father left our home and all the fighting stopped. Hostility was all I could remember before my relative physically abused me at the age of five. Incest took away my identity and personality, while it put a hole in my soul. I was unloved and lost.
Facing the facts brought surprises and realizations. Since like attracts like, I emotionally attracted a college student that had similar problems. I was naive enough to think because we were in college studying to become music teachers life would be wonderful and safe. However, it is familiar to continue the emotional pattern. After marriage, I discovered that I was the victim in marital rape.
Surviving many crises in my domestic violent marriage for twenty-five years, I finally prayed for help from God, “I really don’t want to die.” It was a choice to live. I knew the doctor’s medication was making my life darker and the Valium supported my suicidal wishes. This addictive drug was obstructing my emotional growth as I regressed into more hopelessness, helplessness without choices, in my brutal marriage.
Through divine intervention, I found the 12 step programs. Members of the program told me that they would love me until I could love myself. At that point, in my life, I did not even know I did not love myself. With appropriate regression therapy and other spiritual groups as the Search for God book study channeled from Edgar Cayce, I found new information and healing. Surrounding myself in loving environments, did offer that support I did not receive growing up
I was ready to give up my charade allowing reality to surface. With loving help, I stopped all anti-depressants, including Zoloft, Depakote for Bipolar Disorder, and alcohol. Now, I could clear away the fear, guilt and shame that legal drugs masked. Through tools I could identify negative self-talk and false beliefs that sabotaged my growth for becoming the real me.
In trying to understand my mother’s paranoid schizophrenia, I read that insanity is not being honest with yourself. Not willing to be insane like my mother, I found that my denial stopped the truth. I vowed to be as honest as possible for my sanity to manifest. My daily self-examination, prayer and meditation along with spiritual readings, therapeutic hypnosis, and past life regressions brought new understanding to my dilemma.
Little did I know this honesty would lead to also healing my Bipolar Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I no longer needed to act out from my incestual trauma in extreme conduct that looked like manic-depressive behavior. In addition, the anxiety could leave, as I no longer needed a signal alerting me to feel threatened waiting for the other shoe to drop in more abuse.
My survival skills were well in place when alcohol and prescriptions did a superior job of covering my irrational life of fear, guilt and shame. Covering my apprehensive feelings with perfectionism, compulsive behavior, and over achieving in life, ultimately became Bipolar Disorder. Unknowingly, I was actually edging God out of my life because my path kept going deeper into darkness searching in my fearful survival.
I never could understand why I felt anxiety around my step-dad. Then I realized I had been under emotional sexual attack constantly from the time my mother remarried. Daily attacks expanded my PTSD. Emotional incest is as damaging as physical contact. I found that I had related with toxic people trying to fit in.
Moving out of denial and taking accountability for my mistreatment created self-esteem. In addition, I felt power flow in replacing my victim mind-set I had been living.
As my recovery progressed, I no longer needed to look for others’ love. Being in God’s presence restores my psyche and essence of who I am. In meditation, God told me that I was his daughter, if he was the King of Kings that made me a princess. I was to start treating myself as one. Realizing that I could become my own mother and father was amazing to me. Now, I could start loving and treating myself as I always wanted.
Learning to be vulnerable was scary. I replaced the self-talk that I was not good enough, worthy, or valuable with loving affirmations including my positive qualities, healthy feelings, and wholeness. I supported my new messages with flower essences to help shift the old energy. I could now let my walls of protection fall. This allowed my higher power to flow with love and care for others and me.
Along the way, I received insights and novel information. There are many vibrations of energy. Sexual energy is a term that expresses an electrical type filament of purest energy. It is like a path of energy that connects us directly to God or moves us into the depths of malevolence. My attacker sucked my spiritual energy from my soul for his survival. My attempts to be a better person brought more pain and misery. From childhood through adulthood, my path continued into more darkness, even with going to church, as I had no tools, understanding, or modeling from my parents to show me how to do it differently.
My cry for help brought willingness to move out of my self-imposed prison. Praying for help was the turning point of moving towards the light. I needed to progress in the opposite direction as high, as I had descended; that would heal my soul. My daily conscious contact with God brought me into His sunlight and joy.
When I filled that hole in my soul with God’s love, I found my identity. My life began changing around me as the trauma was healing. I understand today that sexual abuse attracts more until it is healed, because like attracts like. Negative attention was better than none in the past.
I have forgiven those people who played those parts in my script of life, which I wrote before this incarnation. The lessons for me of faith, trust, love, forgiveness, and gratitude were not easy. They were my teachers. Today, I value those people for playing their part that taught me those lessons, so I could outgrow the past and live in the “Now”.
Combining seven years of college, training as a teacher and a counselor, along with my angels, guides, and masters’ information, I have been able to coordinate solutions for others and myself. They bring information to me to comprehend the dynamics of the power of words, thoughts and actions for individual circumstances. The icing on the cake was discovering I had spiritual talents as talking to those past over, giving readings from spirit, channeling messages, and receiving help from archangels and masters to heal others.
Existing in the deepest depths allows moving into the highest highs. I found that being completely vulnerable is the safest place. Then God’s grace surrounds me. This light shows me my identity and wholeness in the midst of God’s presence with my spiritual companions.
Living well is the best revenge, so I choose to thrive fully. I discovered in reality, I had never left God; the divine spark was always in my heart. This incarnation was an illusion to learn how to rise above duality. All of God’s love surrounds me in safety and security. I am created in God’s divine image and merge with His spirit. I can relax and trust all is well. Heaven appears on Earth when I heal my life with love. Love is the answer. ###
Marilyn Redmond is an inspirational speaker, spiritual counselor, and past life therapist. She teaches in college, wellness centers, adult education, and spiritual/metaphysical groups.
The author of several books, she also channels for informational and healing purposes.