I’m not sure what value anyone’s contribution has if what they do is wrong-headed. Being as busy as I’ve become develops a way of being that flinches when a snag is encountered, that causes me (in the end) to lose perspective, patience, and good judgment, and that makes things and words seem justified which are not justified. It lowers awareness, promotes delusion, and risks making one’s words and actions inappropriate.
Finally something has occurred (after I wrote the article “Pausing to Reflect”) that has made me need to stop, inquire into what’s going on with me, and make changes which were until now just good things but which have now become necessities.
I’ve said things to another person that were careless, inappropriate, and wrong-headed and this has resulted in mental and emotional anguish for that person. I would imagine that the harm is multiplied because I have a public profile. I’m entirely responsible for the hurt I’ve caused and I publicly apologize.
Apologies don’t undo harm and I shall have to do more than that if I’m to see that I don’t do such a thing again.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I sensed that, operating at the speed I was, covering the range of things I do, something like this could happen. However what I did not sense was how out of touch with my own being I was. I thought I could see when I was in danger of being unwise and inappropriate and I now see that, operating from that space, I could not. I knew that tension lowers awareness but I now see that speed lowers awareness as well.
No matter what the contribution of this site may have been, to keep running it at the level of involvement I’ve been doing cannot be done without turning myself into a person that in the end no one will respect and that serves no one and no cause.
Moreover, to fail to acknowledge my own mistakes is to begin to corrupt myself, a process that only gets more and more corrosive over time. I’ve made a mistake but covering it up would multiply the mistake. Isn’t that why we investigate cover-ups? I won’t allow myself to cover up.
All of this can be a good thing. I intend to go through my self-inquiry and the reformulating of this site as I have done everything else – publicly – not because I’m a narcissist, though I may be accused of it, but because the sharing of process is as valuable as the sharing of news – perhaps more so. Transparency is what this site was always intended to offer. I have been urging sharing and transparency on the discussion group and I intend to share and be transparent here, especially about my mistakes.
So I now bring my publishing to a short halt (although I’m sure the other editors will carry on) while I reflect on what went wrong and what will make it right again. I will begin again at a pace that I can manage, doing only what I love to do, and accepting any and all consequences that come from that. Those who leave will leave. Those who stay will stay.
I will continue discussing that process in other posts because that discussion and others like it is in fact what I’m here for. In other words, the process is the message. I”m taking the rest of the day off, as I originally intended.
To conclude, I apologize to the person I harmed with my words. I respect that person’s privacy and hope you will too so that no further trauma occurs. And I begin the process of truing up.