Part 2

 

 

The minute I signed off work (in my head, not just on paper) a deep depression began arising. Great! I get to experience depression!

I’m not going to “battle” it. I’m going to go with it, following a dictum ascribed to Churchill: “If you find yourself in hell, keep going!”

I’m going to feel its various parts and stages, when it comes, when it goes, and why.  Never mind distracting myself. Michael has served me up loss, fear, and depression. I’m going to meditate on it as I eat, sleep, etc.

Once again, you’re going to be the only persons I share this with. Only Len knows this side of me … and he ain’t talking. Right, Len?

Well, already, I feel some relief. The truth will set me free.

I get to test out my own theories on vasanas or core issues!

Hey, Ma! Look what I can do!

And look at this as well: Both depressions and entering the heart follow the same motion. They both take my attention down – the one into misery; the other into the heart, into the bottom of my heart, the seat of the Soul, where “I” reside.

Here is my “beachhead of understanding”: (1)  that both depression and the journey to the heart have the same direction. In the one I sink out of sight. In the other I find my true Self. (2) Hmmmm….

***

I’ve reframed what’s occurring. Instead of seeing going into depression as a disaster, I’m now seeing it as training in how to deal with depression.

Because I predict that large numbers of people will be dealing with depression when they hear, in the ten days of broadcasts, how they’ve been led, lied to, and let down.

So just as an emergency worker needs to train in CPR, I need to train in how to discuss depression with the depressed and what is the way out.

Wonderful! I’m now excited and not depressed.

First learning: Excitement can override depression. I know love can so why am I not using love. And immediately a sorrowful feeling arises….

Second learning: I heard myself say: “It’s all become too much for me.”

(A) Anything I do seems to result in more complication. (B) Corporations make it maximally difficult to connect with them and get help. Wait times are long. Transfers add to wait times. Help screens don’t function and there’s no one to ask for help with the help screen.

On and on the details and screw-ups go and, when I’m depressed, I’m least able to handle it.

I use lethargy to draw myself to a halt because I’m sinking fast. I need to take care of myself first or I’ll lose friends, damage business relationships, and add one more core issue to my quiver.

And the beat goes on.

Jesus! There’s a book coming out of this…. I’ve changed my mood to excitement! As Werner Erhard would say, you need a bigger project!

And as upbeat as I am I know that I’m not clear of the woods yet. I’ve still got all this detail to wade through and complication and what have you. OK.

Over and out.

Footnotes

(1) A “beachhead of understanding” is my term for having one foot, one toehold of understanding when I enter a new field, from which I move out.

(2) I experienced the Self at Xenia Retreat Center. It’s to be found at the end of the heart’s tunnel – literally, the “bottom of the heart” is the “seat of the soul.”

My experience was toned down, the Mother said later in a reading, so that I didn’t leave my job and go off to the Himalayas.

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Part 1

 

There may be slight differences between the audio and the text (I kept editing!)

An awareness writer writes about what’s right there in front of them.

Folks, I need a time-out. The stress level from handling everything I’m handling is almost more than I can manage. And the things that are happening have the potential to become real problems, instead of just simple nuisances.

I have [email protected] posing as me around the Internet. I was refused access today to one of the sites because someone else already “has that phone number” [mine].

Every site has a unique “change password” routine and I’m changing passwords on at least three sites daily – Microsoft, Apple, Tik-Tok, Paypal, Amazon, etc. – often circling back a few days later.

I live in constant dread that he’ll get through and there’ll be hell to pay. The wolf is in the hen house.

As if identity theft and constant internet break-ins are not enough, I lost my wallet today.

I almost think Michael wants to drive all remaining vasanas (core issues) to the surface because losing my wallet means (A) more potential identity theft, (B) more attempts to rob or defraud me, and (C) more work to replace the documents. Worrying about that is a major stressor.

The long and the short of it is that I need to lay down tools and do what’s necessary to get some order and security back into my life. I’d think that might take a week. By then, our star family could be here! I couldn’t think of a worse time.

Part of that also needs to be rest because my battery is low from all the hassle, which has always been on top of the needs of work.

I know. I may be missing out on UFO disclosure and heaven knows what else. But I know myself well enough to know when I need to take a time-out.

I thank Suzi for taking the helm. She can be reached at [email protected].

Thank you all for allowing me a rest and time to address these issues.