I watched a play tonight called I am Not a Girl, written and directed by Ren Kennedy. It’s the tale of a man, trapped in a woman’s body, and his family.
For the first hour I watched my own family’s dysfunctionality acted out on the screen.
The devious routes of communication that take place in a family where violence is a constant threat (mine) were similar to how Erica/Eric communicated.
I could have spoken the lines. I squirmed. I almost fled the play at half time. I’ve never had that side of me recreated like that. It made me figuratively gasp.
The play itself was a tour de force.
Because it was about discrimination, I watched myself as I walked home and I got how much of what the play talked about I also participated in – and still do.
I couldn’t stomach Victor/Victoria and put it down and yet that book was what this play was all about – transgenders. I’m full of biases.
As I took the bus home through my old neighborhood, the Downtown Eastside, I was again stiff with judgments about everyone who got on the bus. And I had ready-made excuses if challenged for judging.
Meanwhile, when I stopped to look, others seemed to be flowing with each other. I appeared to be the only stiff one.
How banal I am when I’m not in a state of Fifth-Dimensional or transformative Love (let me capitalize it for emphasis).
The difference between living from that state and living from this everyday, ordinary consciousness is like night and day. This ordinary state to me feels like night compared to the richness of that day of Love.
With all that being said, who am I to lead on anything except perhaps self-improvement? Self-doubt arises and grips me.
When I say that, in the next breath I hear: That does not excuse you from the obligation to lead. You – like all lightworkers – were “born to lead.” By that I mean that, before you were born, you made a soul agreement to lead in the service of the Mother.
That is not to say how you lead or in what you lead. Those are left up to you. Your agreement is just to lead.
You might think that seeing all this depresses me. No, it doesn’t actually. The minute I share any part of it, I’m set free from that part.
Not only is it raised to my awareness, but I’ve communicated it to you and been heard. That “fixes” it in reality and in the mind. I relax on the subject because it’s known.
To an adult child who said he would never keep “family secrets” again (read: muzzled violence), to share as I’m doing here is like balm on a wound, antidote to a poison.
The truth will set us free; I’m sure of it. The truth, as realized by me and communicated to you here, sets me free from the hold of whatever it is I’ve shared. My secrets are what bind my power.
My mind says: Now there are no secrets. I am free of them.
At the same time, no matter how deeply I dig, there does always seem to be more.
I know where it’ll end. It’ll end in Sahaja Samadhi, Ascension. (1)
(1) “In kevala nirvikalpa samadhi [seventh-chakra enlightenment, Brahmajnana, God-Realization] one is not free from vasanas and does not, therefore, attain mukti [liberation].” (Sri Ramana Maharshi in Ramananda Swarnagiri, Crumbs from His Table. http://www.ramana-maharshi.org. Downloaded 10 September 2005, n.p.)
“The flame of illumination [Sahaja] … is kindled by discrimination between Atman [Self, Christ, soul] and non-Atman. [It] will burn away the effects of ignorance [i.e., the vasanas], down to their very roots.” (Shankara in Swami Prabhavananda and Christopher lsherwood, Shankara’s Crest-Jewel of Discrimination. Hollywood: Vedanta Press, 1975; c1947, 39.)
“If the mind becomes introverted through enquiry into the Source of Aham-vritti, the vasanas become extinct and in the absence of the reflecting medium the phenomenon of reflection, namely, the mind, also disappears being absorbed into the Light of the one Reality, the Heart.” (Sri Ramana Maharshi. Maharshi’s Gospel. Books I and II. Being Answers of Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi to Questions Put to Him by Devotees. Tiruvannamalai: Sri Ramanasramam,1979; c1939, 87.)