Over the holidays, I burrowed deeper and deeper into my Gadfly script (I prefer that name to Complainer). I saw something underneath it that goes (again) back to infancy.
I’d call it “Disagreeable.” I’ve already processed the script called “Unloveable.” In the process of creating my coping mechanisms and adaptive strategies, Disagreeable came first and Unloveable second.
Your script will probably be different. I can illustrate what I do to process a script, but my script itself may not resemble yours.
Every infant can be disagreeable when they’re tired or fed something they don’t want. But mine was disagreeable as a script, as a career move.
This was the way I won attention from folks who were older and bigger than I, who, as a rule, didn’t pay attention to me.
I’ve seen this script before to the level of of granularity of my putting a stick in the spokes of the wheel. I was famous for bringing a summer vacation to a halt. But I’d never seen it to the level of granularity of perennial disagreeableness.
I’m only using awareness to cause this vasana to lift. I’m not “doing” anything else, forcing anything, resisting anything. I’m simply becoming aware of new elements of my script and allowing bare simple awareness to dissolve them (and asking Archangel Michael to take them away).
What I’ve called a “constructed self,” run by patterns, habits and other forms of conditioning, is probably the most sophisticated and complex construction many of us will build in our lifetimes. It goes on in all of us.
We chose our script from among those available to us on the shelves of our Third-Dementia supermarket. We practice the lines, the looks, until we get it just right. Then we put a lock on it and present ourselves this way from that moment on.
I watched myself in a bus line on the way to the ferry and there I was, fixing to tell the woman who left a long space between herself and the person ahead of her to close up the space please. Line patrol.
I felt a strong twinge at that moment, as if my guides were saying to me, “You’re doing it again. You’re not the policeman of the world.”
On the bus I nearly wrote a message to someone sending me a second message with nothing more than a smiley on it asking them not to require me to come back on my cellphone loaded down with bags as I was, on the way to the ferry, just for that.
Then I looked up and the bus driver was simply sitting at an exchange when I needed to get to the ferry. I considered telling him I needed to get to the ferry terminal and didn’t.
On and on the ways in which I be disagreeable surfaced and I simply sat with them. “Stand back and observe,” Michael would say.
It isn’t my job to be the policeman of the world. I get myself into a lot of trouble doing things that work against the real job I came to do – which is to write and serve as a transit point for abundance. (1) More and more I’m having to think of whether an action contributes to my mission or not.
Big Steve (my Seventh-Dimensional “Higher Self”) won’t allow Little Steve to continue being disagreeable. Big Steve has to take charge of the situation because Little Steve doesn’t see, succumbs to the short-term pleasure of being disagreeable, and hasn’t the strength of will to pull himself out of the pattern (or habit).
We’ve all seen movies about people who served vital roles in our society and were rageaholics or inappropriate or sexually loose. Well, like the two recent candidates for the highest office of the land. We needn’t look too far afield.
And their unbridled patterns, their failure to “get a grip on themselves,” exercise self-restraint or control themselves has had devastating consequences for the nation.
The growth movement taught self-expression But this is a new age in which we need to work together on projects that will affect the future of humanity. We can’t afford to place the need to share all withholds and fully express ourselves first in priority. Getting along will need to be first.
We’re the wave after the growth movement. Lightworkers are karma yogis, followers of the path of action or service. We have different needs and will have to come up with different tools and processes. We can borrow from them whatever in the growth movement works for these times, band leave the rest.
People among us are empaths, whom our mood swings affect. Galactics will be landing and our explosive outbursts can affect them strongly. We cannot afford to antagonize each other any more either.
Conflict-resolution skills will be in hot demand; people who can listen, skillful communicators, diplomats, protocol specialists.
I’m letting go of all patterns that had me hold myself separate from people, disagreeable, aggressive, and forceful.
(1) I’m redefining my role after my recent dry run. It’s painfully obvious that I can only do so much and that many of the things I thought I could do, I can’t (bookkeeping, envisioning the financial process in fine detail, taking account of tax laws, etc.).
Everyone gets to see where they need to refine their participation. I feel fortunate to have been given the chance to see mine before the actual events.