At the same time as things are changing around me, subterranean feelings are emerging, many of which are very unpleasant or uncomfortable.
Primarily what I’m experiencing at the moment are deep feelings of unworthiness.
I think many of us were criticized as children and now live in fear of blame and criticism, being diminished and disempowered.
The feelings surfacing are primal and difficult to endure.
What’s at play here is a vasana or core issue. I simply have to experience it through to completion, like the hollow bamboo that the wind whistles through. But, oh, how hard it is to endure.
Every day brings new challenges, new experiences, new openings. Nonetheless, having no reliable, functioning memory, I can’t remember what happened even last week. I have no choice but to live in the present and hope that proves enough.
At the same time, the events of last week around housing were nothing short of miraculous and cemented my confidence in our celestial co-creative partners’ ability to influence events. (1)
I thought it curious that I should be forced by circumstance to abandon my memory at the very moment I was shown enough miracles to make firm my confidence in the celestials.
My allegiance was taken off only my own faculties and put additionally onto the higher-dimensional, co-creative partners we all have (the angels and archangels). That’s quite a dramatic shift, if you think about it. Not my will, Lord, but Thy Will.
From my vantage point, I think that transition was skillfully done. I’m no longer surprised at the way things unfold, quite honestly. We must be in the Fourth Dimension, as some people say, the dimension of magic.
But back to subterranean feelings. When they arise, I fall into self-doubt and recrimination. Imagine if I lacked a way to deal with them or even understand them. If they increased in intensity, well, I might succumb to them. As it is, I squirm in the face of felt unworthiness.
But in fact I do have a way of dealing with them: Be with them and observe them. Experience them through to completion and let them go. That’s the way to process them, for my money. Thank you for that to Vipassana meditation, Werner Erhard, and Ramana Maharshi.
And, again, these vasanas and the conditioned behavior that arises from them are all that lie on top of the natural self. Get underneath this overburden and there we are, in all our innocence and brilliance. The sun is always shining behind the clouds.
Nonetheless, as long as I cannot source this particular vasana of unworthiness, this territory or phase of the journey becomes difficult and unpleasant for me.
I’m expected to always have it together, but there are circumstances in which I feel reduced to a child.
Wait a minute. OK, here it is.
In my inner ear, I just heard the original source of this vasana of unworthiness, the allegation that lies at the heart of it. I heard my Dad calling me a lazy, no-good good-for-nothing. My old friend is back again (2) and is now seen as the source of my feelings of unworthiness.
When I see and recognize this allegation as the source of the upset, the upset lifts. Again, the truth has set me free. Breakdown/breakthrough. Cognitive dissonance/paradigmatic breakthrough/paradigm shift.
That was a really primal feeling, up from the deep. Believe it or not, I’m tired out from going through that one. I hope we pass quickly through this phase of ascension in which subterranean whales appear to be surfacing.
(1) Some of the miracles – the really eye-popping ones – I can’t report. But they had their impact on me and contribute to my confidence in our unseen partners.
(2) I’ve been haunted by that one allegation since as far back as I can imagine. Again and again it appears as the source of a vasana.