I’m transfixed by another instance of inspired guidance.
I was having an imaginary conversation with a friend in which I was complaining about the pressure and stress of work.
Suddenly I “heard” a voice say: “A diamond is a lump of coal that made good under pressure.”
I know I did not say that. It would never have occurred to me.
And it set off a realization in me. I’m not sure I can put the actual realization in words. I may only be able to talk about the outcomes.
I got my personal responsibility in the matter of workload.
I got the importance of my commitment to getting done what I say I’ll do.
I got the need to proceed with full awareness or consciousness. No stumbling around here.
I got my aliveness. I got my eagerness. I got my enthusiasm.
The inspirational guidance woke me up. Which do I want to be? The lump of coal or the diamond? It’s that simple.
The realization continued to unpack over the course of the day. I saw that I needed to restrict my workload religiously. I owed it to myself and the people who depend on me.
I saw that I needed to map out the flow in each project so that I could show the people I intend to hire what it is I’m driving at, trying to do.
I saw that I needed to have a good understanding of each project’s process. The need for training, openness to new directions, keeping a record of it all – the ideas just kept coming.
I had some powerful memories return which had the effect of reminding me … well, let’s just say where my duty lay. I can’t be more specific than that. It stiffened my resolve to stop behaving like a lout and raise my self-awareness. I’ve fallen into the ivory-tower syndrome.
I need to shape up generally. That too occurred to me as a direct result of the realization.
Another way in which it unpacked itself was that I saw that I was doing something that I consider myself not very adept at doing. I was creating.
I seem to carry some deep wound over creating – some harsh criticism from Dad probably.
But it must be lifting or I wouldn’t be standing here representing myself as actively, consciously creating. I’d hide in some way, draw back, look injured. I have it wired that to openly acknowledge my creativity would also open me to wounding criticism – or worse, a lack of any interest at all.
But here I am, consciously, actively creating and acknowledging it. For me this is evidence of movement.
Tonight I also mapped out the flow of the various projects, from inception within the Michaelangelo Fund to development to momentum to stable state to independence of the Michaelangelo Fund.
The Lightworkers Congress, the Gender Equality Project – all only on paper now, but taking more and more definite shape.
After the Reval, every disbursement of funds will be a creation. I’ll be in a constant process of creation.
So why have I resisted so long seeing myself as creating? Who cares any longer? Archangel Michael, please take this one away from me. I’m finished colluding with it. I want to be free.
Now the lost skill of creating is being brought back in, putting in place another piece in the Humpty Dumpty man.
Inside me, there’s an awakening happening, an expansion, an emergence.
The image I have in mind is of a man bent over, who gradually straightens up and arises. The beautiful graphic above is suggestive.
These days a lot of it is guided by these strategically-placed inspirations, these instances of somebody whispering in my inner ear.
I’m becoming a person I’d never have believed I’d be ten years ago. There’s a tremendous thirst for dharma. There’s a great need for completion and harmony. There’s a strong felt need to create.