One transition I feel myself on the cusp of making is from a guilty and worried person to a person at rest and peace with himself.
I spent many of my earlier years adapting to a family marred by domestic violence, relying on workarounds, subterfuges, lies, and pretenses. And there is in my memory bank a residue of shame and guilt at what I resorted to to survive.
Nowadays I’m right in the middle with that residue.
On the one hand, it comes up whenever I face a time of working with people – a meeting, a conference call, etc. I’m fine by myself in my room, reading. But I’m not as fine with others. The shame and guilt leave me feeling unworthy, incapable, unsure of myself.
On the other hand, probably as a result of the waves of gamma rays hitting us that Sue Lie talked about recently (used to be called “photons”), I have a new baseline of peacefulness, confidence, and courage that’s just beginning to assert itself in the crucial area of interpersonal affairs. Just a wee beginning.
Let me use interpersonal affairs or social contact as a means to illustrate how new commitments in our lightwork arise and can be confronting.
My early life was solitary. I never grew up mixing or mingling. When I entered student politics in high school, I did it to avoid contact. Everyone would leave me alone because I had responsibilities.
Now the next phase of lightwork appears to involve a great deal of social interaction and even public speaking.
Public speaking is excruciating for me. I die of performance anxiety. My memory is non-existent. I forget something I was doing going from the kitchen to the living room. “What did I come in here for?”
Archangel Michael has told me that he took away my memory so that I’d let go of the Third Dimension. That’s OK but it doesn’t help me interviewing him or speaking on my feet.
In lightwork, one commitment leads to another and where we end up is not necessarily what we’d have chosen if we weren’t serving.
I’d never have chosen public speaking, for instance. Writing doesn’t necessarily translate into speaking. Perhaps not at all.
But that’s what’s wanted and needed. So it’s ready, aye, ready. Shame, guilt, and anxiety all have to be processed on the fly. No time any more for timeouts and leisurely processing. Kick me out if I’m no darned good.
As the level of responsibility increases, it forces the remaining core issues to the surface. The core issue I have with public speaking leaves me in a deep fear of so many things – failure, forgetting what I was saying, making an ass of myself. But the fear has to be gone through, without a lot of fanfare, except what I share here in my Ascension diary.
I know the fear can be gone through from my karate training. As I write, I go into fear and come out of it and go into it and come out of it. I’m deciding the issue as I write.
I no longer go so far as to wear a mask or maintain a front. The emergent higher dimensionality relieves me of the necessity of wearing a plastered-on smile or making small talk.
My smile is genuine these days. Love flows. And I even touch bliss occasionally, not as much as during the post-Blood Moon Equinox phase (October to December 2015), but it’s there when I allow it.
The shame and guilt of a life lived in pretense will gradually diminish in the face of our gamma-ray shower. The requests to commit will gradually – or not so gradually – increase.
Sinking down into transformative love speeds our exit from our core issues. Self-forgiveness may be what’s ultimately missing.
(1) “Suzanne Lie: Straight Talk on Ascension. The Past We Forget, Returns As Our Future – Part 1,” Jan. 17, 2016, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2016/01/17/suzanne-lie-straight-talk-on-ascension-the-past-we-forget-returns-as-our-future-part-1/.