My next conversation with AAM is on the 24th of April but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess at what he’s going to tell me. He’s going to tell me that I’m processing past-life pain.
And, if he did, that would fit. The pain is huge and goes far past anything I regard myself as having accumulated or suffered.
I’m pretty sure it’s the General’s pain. He was the only one that I know of of my eight lives who was a military commander. (There may have been a second, a life AAM won’t tell me about yet.) And he’s the only former lifetime that I haven’t assimilated yet, according to AAM.
If that were the case, I don’t imagine this pain would yield easily to my efforts to process it because it doesn’t reside in me and isn’t traceable to any memories of past traumatic events that I lived through.
So this is brand new territory and perhaps I should make as much of a note of it as possible.
What I’m feeling right now seems like deep regret for all the mistakes I’ve made in my military campaigns. One cannot help but make mistakes – mistakes in judgment, prediction, assessment, etc.
But the General appears to have felt them keenly and especially because he was able in older life to ruminate on what had happened. Before his enemies got him.
This is not grief. Gosh, I’m glad it’s not. I don’t think I could take another round of grief just yet.
It’s located in my throat, neck and cheeks. Focusing my attention on those places, immediately the tears begin. So it’s connected to tears. I’m crying now and that seems to relieve it. It’s as if it gets pent up and crying is the only way to let out the pressure.
Processing this is far more stressful than anything I’ve ever had to do. For two days now I’ve been telling people I feel belligerent, aggressive, powerful. I’ve been a nuisance.
If I didn’t know what was happening, I’d be a psychological mess. I’d probably be acting these feelings out. I’d be highly insulting, trying to pick a fight. It feels like riding a bucking bronco.
You poor soul, General. Come and sit at the table. Join us. You were given a difficult assignment, to humble an empire. And you took it as far as you could, which was farther than any others did.
Whether that empire remained humbled for long is an open question. But your name stands out as someone who stood up to an adversary that far outnumbered you and succeeded, for a time.
I feel your aggression. I feel your tremendous power and it’s overwhelming for me. I’m not sure I can carry so much power. We’ll have to see.
I may have to do some heavy load-shedding and, if I do, it’s nothing personal.
I’ve imitated you at times in my life, General, unknowingly to be sure. Now here you are, the last to arrive. (1) Sit. You have an honored place at the table and the hearth.
I’ll convey as much of your energy to the world as I can, for Ascension’s sake. Any deficiency rests with me.
(1) An eighth remains, but he doesn’t seem as enthusiastic to get here as the General was.