(Concluded from Part 1.)
There’s a relationship architecture that this pattern fits into. I remember seeing it in my family of origin.
When control is assured, things went well and everyone was happy. When one person refused to be controlled, things broke down, slowly or rapidly. But usually rapidly at the end, with a kick or a swipe.
There was also a cyclical pattern to the abuse in my family. Calm/disagreement/explosion/separation; calm/disagreement/explosion/separation. Calm was usually purchased at the expense of doing something together: trip to Disneyland, trip to Montreal, etc.
The pattern is so much a part of my “seeing” (my always, already listening) that it’s taken a paint scraper to make this much of a crack to allow me to see into it.
One reader called it an always, already listening. (3) Yes, a pre-existing filter through which we see and hear things. It determines how we hear, what we hear, etc. And how and what we hear is always, already the same.
Where are the entry points here? Well, of course, I can ask the Mother to have this taken from me.
I can use St. Germaine’s violet flame on it. I can invoke the Law of Repulsion. And I may.
But as a student of awareness, I’d rather start by using my awareness as the tool by which I neutralize or remove it. Going that route increases my discernment.
Where’s the entry point? Paradoxical intention? Paradoxical intention would have me try the shoe on and see if it fits. Rather than resisting the label, I can get into it to see what insight that produces. Let me try it.
OK. I want to resist. I want to resent. I want to revenge.
Resist – I’m the chief of the resistance forces. I have the reflexes of a warrior, which are to resist. No one knows how to resist like I do.
Resent – I have an elephant’s memory. Step on my toes and I remember it for the rest of my life. Santa has nothing on my gunnysack. I resent opportunistically, eternally and implacably.
Revenge – Revenge is sweet. I like the feeling of satisfaction one gets. I trot out all my commonplaces: I showed him. I taught that fellah a lesson and so on. I can see why people might choose to go off the rails.
OK. So what did that use of paradoxical intention do for me?
I feel sad at the picture I’ve painted of myself. It’s not a pretty picture if only a fraction true. The mere drift is depressing.
I wouldn’t have seen that had I not acted it out.
I feel very sad and may allow these feelings to play out over the course of today to see what they produce and where they lead.
If only because this pattern ignores the Law of Freewill, there’s no future in it, never mind the objectionable nature of it.
It’s taken an infinite amount of observation to see even this far into it. There’s a lot more but it’ll take much more minute watchfulness to uncover it. But then that’s what a student of awareness does.
(1) After Werner Erhard.