Guess what?

I was chatting with a friend at Starbucks when I realized that I was having a howdido (How did I do?) conversation. I was surprised (A) that I was doing it and (B) that I enjoyed it so much.

A howdido conversation is one in which we rehearse an exchange with the boss, the spouse, the neighbor, in which we strut up and down and puff up our role in things. We’re really wanting to know more how we did in selling our story to our listener than how we did in the incident in question.

I enjoyed my own howdido so much that the me that was telling the story asked the me that noticed if he’d mind forgetting the incident and allowing the storyteller to carry on.

It was so hard to stop that I finally I had to switch to doing it consciously and allowing myself to watch how much I enjoyed it.

Self-serving conversations feel soooo000oooooo good. I was tilting at windmills, vanquishing my foes, all of my own construction. I was looking for weak spots in my story, papering them over, before seeing if my listener was buying.

If I was satisfied that I got away with this massive subterfuge on every level – massive, massive subterfuge – I’d mandate “no further changes” to this story. This one is canned and ready for distribution.  Looking back on it – and everyone did it and does it – I feel ashamed of myself.

I had things where I wanted them – in my story. It made me look good, which is what it was designed to do.

As long as my story held, life was good. But the minute I began to look bad from some mangled detail, expose, etc., alarm bells went off and it was damage control. I’m describing ordinary life in the Third Dimension. I’m not making this stuff up. This is a part of my conditioned behavior,

If something bad slipped out that might bring a spoiled impression, I began to feel sheepish because what I was doing (editing my story) was in danger of being seen. I’d be shown to be self-serving. That would crush me. We all had to agree that we wouldn’t expose each other’s self-esteem issues. We allowed each other to “pass.”

But nevertheless this is how we all lived. Our story passed for life. As long as we looked good, life was good. And very little of it was true.

***

Getting my story down pat is a part of the way I try to control things – in this case, outcomes. Apparently I have an aggressive edge to my voice (yes, I hear it now) that’s intimidating and smacks of control.  In a variety of ways, I’m trying to control the input and the outcome.

And it never works. I always end up letting it all go. The older I am, the more times I’ve been around the circle:

Control —-> Lose big time —-> Let go of control for a while —-> Repeat

As long as I’m not in bliss, my world doesn’t work with the same smoothness as when I’m in bliss.  I have to work at it. It’s like swimming through mud.

The work seems slow and never-ending.  And the results for all of the work seem spare and unsatisfying, compared to one moment of bliss.

Isn’t that one of the problems of life in Third Dimentia? What progress we make is so slow and the benefits so diluted. It tires us out. It doesn’t spur us on to greater things, in and of itself.

However, after a few spiritual experiences, I began to revive and get excited. They definitely got my attention. The supernormal intruded, undoubtedly according to schedule.

Now I see where the goal lies. I’m no longer struggling in the dark. But the going is still every bit as slow and tedious. This body is every bit as dense.

Letting go of control is a must, however. I look for ways of doing it. I find that the best way is to rigorously honor the universal Law of Freewill. Allow other people their choices. Allow them to experience the results of their choices as well.

Refrain from advising, unless requested, and telling another what they “should” do. That isn’t the way of the future either, apparently.

I’ve been given so much permission by AA Michael not to feel I have to meet with too many people, not to feel I have to do things quick, not to feel I have to do anything. The way is cleared for me to do what I do in a relaxed manner. Let me not now fail to pass those benefits along to others.

This all sounds like what to do while waiting for Godot.

But it isn’t because we’re not waiting. We’re cleansing core issues, letting go of conditioned behavior, planning how to build a new world, and preparing for the green flag.

And, as it turns out, Godot ain’t coming. S/he sent us instead.