Again because new spiritual partnerships are forming, let me comment on the second thing – besides no sharing and listening – that leads to the most fights in new partnerships, as far as I’m aware. That is forgetting or undervaluing the rule of four.
The rule of four says that four things are important to our decision making:
(1) What you want,
(2) What you don’t,
(3) What I want, and
(4) What I don’t want.
All four need to be communicated, heard and considered. The more important the decision, the more important the need to reflect on all four.
The most common slip is when we say “That’s OK” when our partner expresses a complaint. What we mean is “That’s OK with me.” And we need to add: “How is it for you?” It distinctly may not be OK for our partner and we’ve just brushed over that. If we proceed without considering it, they may feel resentful.
Once resentment starts and is not expressed and dealt with, the withholding begins. And once the withholding begins, the freshness of love wears off and the battles begin.
Let me reprint what I said in an earlier article on the subject: (1)
Let’s take a really simple and mundane example. Where shall we eat tonight? You want Chinese food. BUT you don’t want a Chinese restaurant that uses MSG.
If we go to a Chinese restaurant, but one that uses MSG, you won’t be happy.
I’m a vegetarian (not) but I don’t want to go to a restaurant that simply takes the meat off the plate and serves me the rest – vegetables and potatoes. There has to be some interest to the meal. If we go to a Chinese restaurant that simply removes the meat from any dish and serves the rest, without having some special vegetarian plates, I won’t be happy.
Every time a decision is made, all four positions on the relationship compass need to be considered. Watch how often an argument arises because one of the four positions has not been considered.
This was a very simple, straightforward example, but watch what happens when we begin our complex projects together if we don’t see that every decision has been considered from each of these four perspectives.
I’ll be looking at neutral language and the status of knowledge in a future article. (2)
(1) “The Rule of Four” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/spiritual-essays/the-game-of-life/the-rule-of-four
(2) In the meantime, see “Some Suggestions on Communication,” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/ascension/communication-sharing-and-listening/some-suggestions-on-communication-2/ ; “Perro: An Ancient Intergalactic Language of Diplomacy,” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/creating-a-global-conversation/perro-an-ancient-intergalactic-language-of-diplomacy/ ; “Four Ways to Deal with the Challenges that May Lie Ahead,” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/lightworkers/four-ways-to-deal-with-the-challenges-that-may-lie-ahead/;”On Joining the (Frayless) Fray, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2010/08/on-joining-the-fray/