I maintain that a conversation like this is not unusual. I actually think we have these conversations often.
The part that’s authentically adult has noticed that I have an opportunity here to illustrate calling oneself on one’s own number. (1)
The self-serving side of me (my ego) wants to make something out of it, wants to get something from it. The self-serving side wants to look good, dress it up, make a big deal out of it.
I say what I’m saying here, not to act like an exhibitionist, but to assist us not to feel so reticent about these things, to limber us up and get us to reveal ourselves more.
The self-serving side of me wants to get whatever mileage it can from whatever I do so it tends to take over what is essentially a good thing and bend it to the service of the self.
What it requires to not allow the ego to take over what is essentially a good thing and turn it sour appears to be to do the thing slowly and deliberately, to stop when the ego gets invoked, wait for it to die down and then proceed.
Of course there’s no way that slowing down can be conveyed on paper and so that will have to be an invisible part of the process.
There are several useful outcomes to calling ourself on our own number. First, it has us stop our forward motion in something we’re doing that isn’t working. Second, it may repair damage if repair is possible. Third, it may release one from the wreckage one has created within oneself by one’s own actions.
On the one side, the ego can commandeer it and spoil it. On the other side, we can sell ourself out, sell ourself short. Neither, I think, is useful.
I’ve never done this publicly so I may not do it as well as I might. But I get that doing it is worth it, even if the first time turns out less than perfect.
I’m going to call myself on aspects of what happened last week that didn’t work. Specifically I’m referring to the articles I wrote on the channeled message concerning Noah’s Ark. I say it that way because I don’t want to increase the Google traffic by naming names. I’d rather let the matter rest and so I’m speaking in a roundabout way. It’s really the business I’m conducting that’s important, not raising the issue again per se.
To call myself on my own number, I need to say that I could have handled the matter better, more diplomatically, with less heat and clamor. In fact I could have handled the situation by simply ceasing to post the messages in question. That would have been a better way to do it and it may be the way I conduct myself in the future.
I check in with myself to see if there’s more to say.
I see that I have the same evaluation I had before. I think the original action was unwise, etc., etc. None of that has changed and to say it has would be to sell myself short. That’s not what I’m trying to do.
But I probably could have managed it better, more diplomatically, with less probable harmful impact on the person concerned.
I pause and see if I’ve done what I set out to do. I believe I have.
I look to see the impact on me. Yes, it has stopped my forward movement. That’s all I’m aware of at this moment.
I think I’ve illustrated what I was talking about earlier, which is to call oneself on one’s own number. What is my number: being self-righteously angry and indignant. Yes, that’s the number.
I’m stopping here because the job feels complete. If I were to say more, I’d invite reactivating the ego and saying something self-serving. I’ve managed so far to skate around it.
That’s the process. If I were to report how I feel, I feel relieved that I don’t have to make myself right for something that didn’t really work.
I’ve reached a natural stopping place for now. One more word and the ego might raise its head.
(1) “Calling Ourselves on Our Own Numbers,” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2012/06/calling-ourselves-on-our-own-numbers/