I awoke this morning feeling irritated and aggravated. I could have taken it a step further and said that feeling this way invalidated any feeling of progress.
After all, if I was irritated and aggravated in my sleep, when nothing real could be said to be happening, how much progress could I be said to have made? None, n’est-ce pas?
But then I reviewed my night. I saw myself focussing on one scene in memory after another. I reviewed a dream I had had which was totally organized around anger and regret. And I gradually came to see that the whole night was spent processing and releasing irritation and anger.
As I lay in bed, instead of bemoaning my fate, I began to use the upset clearing process consciously. I named the feeling and allowed it to be there. I maintained a steady, slow breath and breathed through whatever came up from having named the feeling.
I asked my mind what earlier, similar, traumatic incident the feeling stemmed from and, when the picture or word came up, I allowed the remembrance of that incident to be there and just breathed through that as well and anything else that came up from having identified the seed incident.
Then that was overtaken by another bout of irritation, anger, fury, whatever, which I also named, etc.
I realized that, while on other occasions, I was getting angry, on this occasion I was releasing anger. And I further realized that this whole night had been spent releasing anger. So this was not at all a bad thing.
But whether getting angry or releasing anger, it feels the same to the person. In order not to feel demoralized, it falls to us to realize they are different situations.
Whereas the first results in adding to an existing supply of vasanas, an existing storehouse of negativity, the second draws down my storehouse of negativity and releases it … hopefully forever. So I was in fact making real progress.
A vasana is an archaic, troublesome, and negative behavior pattern based on an earlier, similar, and traumatic episode in life. A vasana contains memories, feelings, scripts, moods – a complete file or record of everything connected to the original incident and whatever similar incidents happened afterwards.
The way to release it is to consciously re-experience the original or seed incident and anything else that wants to come up to be released. The way to multiply it is to project it outwards onto others. “You made me angry,” etc. Other words for vasanas are records, issues, upsets, old baggage, etc.
Last night was spent reducing my vasanas of anger and, as long as I realize that’s the case, then I see the work as constructive. When I think that I spent the night getting more “plugged in” (angrier), I feel defeated.
So I had a good night last night. I released a lot of stoked and buried anger. And the process is still going on, with me just being with it and carrying on with life.
I think the rising energies, and we apparently got hit by a wave of wonderful energy over the equinox, are squeezing the water out of the sponge, bringing up many of our incompletions. If this were indeed the case, I’d welcome it with open arms and heart. This is the way to rid ourselves of our remembered stock of upsets, regrets, resentments, etc.
It will leave us open, empty, squeaky clean. Without our vasanas, we’ll have become like a little child again, ready to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And if we can do it all in our sleep, what the heck. Better and better.