I was going to post this tomorrow but I regard what’s happening to me right now as too important a phenomenon not to be shared. I think I came to share information like this so I continue to share it.
But I have to tell you that I’m battling shame and humiliation in doing so. And I’m probably losing friends hand over fist.
Most people hide events like these from view and hope they never become known. But that’s not the job I’ve taken on. I’ve taken on going through these circumstances publicly.
Just to review what’s happening. I’ve been locked in a transferential situation for perhaps two weeks now.
Transference means that we take perspectives and feelings that belong with one person and project them onto a second person and then act them out. It usually goes on below awareness.
The second person has nothing to do with the transferential situation except that in some way, and it could even be a small way, they resemble the other person.
I apologize to the other person who’s an innocent party and I’d like her identity protected if you’d be so kind. Her life is already impacted by this.
I’ve been unable to shake the transference which has only grown and grown and so I’ve been acting unpredictably and often feeling anger. It’s like having something inside of you that’s driving you wild and yet you cannot reach it.
The transference itself originates back in a forgotten time and is linked to my mother. But it later became linked to my first girlfriend with terrible results and then it became linked to other important women in my life.
The present-day transference has been there for quite a while but mild and barely noticeable. But suddenly it’s here in full force.
It has seen me draw close to women and then draw away suddenly and unpredictably. I would say that’s its leading presenting symptom.
Normally I’d just be regarded as your average screwed-up male (and maybe I am), but under the influence of the rising energies, I think, these matters are coming up for clearing and become greatly exaggerated in us.
I’ve either been compensating in my transference on the positive side or withdrawing as fast as I can when the negative side rears its head (which is almost immediately). But all I succeed in doing is looking insane and causing upset around me.
I haven’t the strength to find the quotes that say this but I recall it being said that what we do at this time rebounds on us quickly and in greater force.
I believe it’s possible that what would have been a mild transference has been hijacked because of the nature of the times (that is, the rising energy) and now becomes a greatly-energized matter. It’s as if the bad gets worse and the good gets better.
I’m not aware of choosing to transfer. The transference seems to be happening beyond my power to control. I wish it weren’t happening or else happening well within the range of tolerance.
I also notice that the transference has been heightened in the sense that every event connected to it is revealing itself as a vasana. I’ve been through three vasanas so far. I can’t even remember all three but I do remember that one is connected to my mother’s death and one to my first girlfriend.
The third I can’t bring back to memory but I’m sure it goes back a lot farther because my mother’s death happened after my first relationship. So it cannot be what affected that.
After the initial uproar of last night when the transference I was in broke to the surface and completely took me over, I slept well and long. Eventually, even though I thought this would leave like a fireball, matters have settled down quite a bit.
I’m not at all happy about this because I wanted for me to be finished with a lifetime of dropped balls and irretrievable mistakes through some process that might be explosive but would run its course.
I may find out later that to have it run its course might have been too big a strain. I don’t know. But I worry now that it will not run its course and I shudder at thinking of going through this a second time.
What it has contributed to me so far is that I’ve seen the amount of blackness that one accumulates in what we think of as a normal lifetime. I’m riding a bucking bronoc at this moment. I’ve sown seeds of blackness and I’m reaping the whirlwind.
I’m shocked and sobered and consider it almost impossible to know how to take a step forward in the face of a such a revelation. I’m at a complete standstill in my life.
This was not a full-life review (1) and it was not an event like “the Judgment.” (2) But it was as impactful an event as I can recall having. The only thing that comes close to it is the day I saw the face of my own ego and that took me a while to recover from it was so frightening. Imagine a red devil with a look of fierceness on its face.
I think my case is being used to show what havoc this can cause for the person involved and others around them. And I imagine I’m expected to find a way to deal with this and to share what I learn about that with others. That would make sense to me.
I see why the ascended masters and the celestials are saying so much about clearing. I have a new appreciation for why it’s so important to clear our vasanas and let go of any unfinished business we can? I certainly do. All may not be sweetness and light on our Ascension path, as I’m seeing in spades.
I don’t have access to the higher dimensions, as some people believe I do. I can’t simply chat with AAM myself and I’m not going to bother Linda with a call for a reading.
I have a reading in two days anyways and want to get through this till then. At that point I’ll find out more about what’s happening.
Or AAM may refer to it in An Hour with an Angel, which is about our vasanas and constructed selves. I regard it as unprofessional to insert one’s personal business into an interview so I’ll have to proceed cautiously.
If this were happening to someone whose task is not to go through Ascension publicly, then all of this would go on behind closed doors and no one would know about it.
A very few people around the person concerned might say that he was having a bad hair day. He might consider himself having a normal, quiet “breakdown” behind closed doors. Everyone would try to hush matters up.
But I know this is important and I know it’s important to share about it. And if I emerge from it too badly scarred to carry on, then I’ve reached the end of my rope and I did all I could. I’ll retire and feel good about the ground I was able to cover.
I am dead in the water except for processing this. On the one hand, I have responsibilities and on the other, I feel completely KOed by what I’ve just been though, assuming that it’s over. (I’m not at all sure that it is, but I don’t know.)
I’m not sure what I can do but I will try to continue chronicling what I’m learning from this experience, unless my shame gets the better of me and I draw a halt to it.
I cannot follow external events in this state. Hopefully others can fill in for whatever was my share.
Now I see why AAM has said that I get 200 years off after this! I’m gonna need it.