The main split, the primary separation, the basic polarization, breach, and chasm that we’ve created for ourselves, in my view, is between an inner and an outer self.
This break is illusory but has ramifications. There can never really be a rupture between us on the outside and us on the inside, but we can persuade ourselves that, and act as if, there is. And when we do, there is, it seems, a resulting weakness, insecurity, and hesitation.
We can call the break whatever we wish, but it sees a separation come about between a surface self and a Higher Self, the one who gets up in the morning and goes to work and the One who we are.
The first order of business for me, if I want to be a whole and integrated Self again, so to speak, is to heal that split, bridge the chasm, and reconnect the two in every way I can and in every way that presents itself. In doing so, I’m only healing a construction of thought.
And so I spent the bridge period between 2012 and 2013, the arrival of the New Year, in meditation on reconnecting my surface self and my Higher Self.
This is for me a sacred and an ongoing task because the first psychic break I had in my life, and we all seem to have one which shows up for us like the “work” of this lifetime, the job we took on as part of our reconciliation of karma, so to speak, was to heal a shattering that occurred for me in early life.
I’ve discussed it elsewhere – on The Light Agenda for instance. It was a moment, when I was perhaps seven or eight years old, when my father yelled at me from a point maybe two inches from my face, at which moment I shattered or disassociated to save myself.
I actually lost myself at that moment to save myself, in a manner of speaking. The experience was one of shattering into a thousand pieces and I became what I later thought of as the Humpty Dumpty Man.
The work of this lifetime had begun.
In 1986, the basic split within myself was noticed and addressed, when a girlfriend said to me, “Do you know you have the profile of an abused child?” The two sides of me – an inner side which spent much of its time grumbling and complaining and an outer side which happily presented itself to the world – rose to the surface to say “yes” and met for the very first time.
I spent the next three weeks going off like an exploding volcano of anger. Enter the main vasana. (A vasana is a bundle of memories, conclusions and decisions that arises from an earlier traumatic episode and governs our life thereafter in the area of being it applies to.)
Fast forward to the future and the Humpty Dumpty Man has apparently still not suspected and healed the primary split between the outer and the inner self. Or the wider split beyond that and the next wider split beyond that as we work our way back to ending the primordial and illusory split between us and God.
I expect that I agreed to heal splits in this lifetime as a useful piece of work. But it may also have been a needed karmic enterprise. Whichever, last night I was hard at work addressing it.
Why? Because of the rising energies, which seem to have accelerated now. They once again brought this illusory division and separation to mind. All our sources are saying this will happen round about this time in the process of what I’ve been converted to believe now is a more gradual phase of Ascension.
So now on this occasion, having noticed an inner and deeper self that was seemingly different from my everyday self, I became aware at that moment of the opportunity that presented itself to heal this split and began to use every metaphor I could think of to reconnect the two.
In the course of exploring it, I moved back and forth between the surface self and the deeper self I experienced. I became aware of the unusual nature of the split. I saw that I could inhabit either.
Never mind restoring my relationship with my Dad, I was now restoring the relationship of my surface self, my personality, my everyday consciousness with my Higher Self.
My Higher Self, whom I could at first only vaguely see or feel, was, I soon came to discover, that which we know as the Light ever burning on the altar of the heart, the firebrand plucked from the burning, the Son, the Christ. It was the treasure buried in the field, the pearl of great price, my original face, God-within-the-body.
We know it by so many names and I felt it again as a light burning dimly in the darkness. Or perhaps I could say more properly a side of myself that I could sense and feel as brighter, stronger, more resilient and more “up.”
I had only noticed it. I did not have a full-blown experience of it. (1) But I did see that I could inhabit it, so to speak, however dimly.
And I also noticed the plasticity of consciousness because I could also become a third “I,” an “I” who, while it was still one with the surface self and the Higher Self, could also inhabit either and watch both. That third “I” could recognize the opportunity before it of the two meeting and reconnecting, and decide to capitalize on it and bring the “other” two together in whatever way “I” could. Consciousness, I’m convinced, is plastic and adaptable in these ways.
And so I began to engage in a metaphorical and imaginary exercise of reconnecting the two. In my mind, I built a bridge over the chasm. I welded two pieces of metal together. I reintroduced the two to each other, and began to explore every other simile and metaphor of reconnection, reconciliation and unity.
I tied a rope around the two. I put them in a golden egg. I imagined them as a man and a woman, joining in relationship and marriage. In every way I owned both sides of myself and loved them back into reconnection.
I welcomed the proverbial child child back, reunited with the Father. I intended that the separation end. I convinced myself of the benefits of the reconnection and claimed them as mine. I imagined myself pleading in court on behalf of the reconciliation of the two, and so on and so on.
I carried out every act I could think of to reunite them.
The result by the time I was complete and feeling drowsy was a rosy glow within myself, a feeling of being One, whole and integrated again.
And then I slept and I awoke the next day, again feeling the love more easily arise in me and knowing that I had begun a piece of work that I must carry on, perhaps continuously from that day forward. The reward of it all was an artesian spring of love arising within myself.
I expect that the life we continuously and eternally live in and out of incarnation is an overall quest or voyage in search of one instance of reintegration after another. Remembrance occurs as we heal every one of them and find ourselves in the end simply One and whole again.
The Humpty Dumpty Man had taken another step towards an important reintegration, to be sure. But more importantly, an auspicious but eternal process had begun of ever-increasing levels of reintegration of myself.
(1) Archangel Michael, in answer to a question from me on the form that a rise in consciousness would take now, said that it would not be an explosive “Aha!” moment, but experienced more as a gradual rise in consciousness. And I have in fact been feeling it that way in the last two days. (Personal Reading with CM through Linda Dillon, Dec. 31, 2012.)