When I followed dismay and disappointment down deep into my heart at Xenia, I ended up staring at the Self.
I expected to find myself facing the original incident below a vasana (or core issue) of dismay.
I’d like to leave aside discussing the experience itself and look instead at what it may have been.
The experience came without an accompanying explanation, which leaves me to interpret it.
Did I establish a connection with my own voice of conscience? It felt somewhat that way. It seemed as if my Higher Self was having me true up to my integrity by sending waves of dismay and disappointment to me.
I think all of us, when we do, feel, or think something undesirable (for one reason or another), feel a pang of conscience. Some more than others. I emerged from my reflection thinking I needed to pay more attention to these.
Or was it perhaps another indication of a more refined density, such as the subjective feelings lacking objectivity were? That could be as well. The energies having risen, I may now be more acutely attuned to the nature and results of what I do.
Or was it a communication from a guide? Who knows? Perhaps I should be entertaining all three explanations for the value they produce.
Things like dismay and disappointment, when they come from a deep place, I’m going to interpret as a call to integrity.
Integrity is of a higher order than simply following the rules. In my view, it’s what is meant by observing the spirit of the law, rather than just the letter of the law.
Playing by the rules handles the social situation we’re in. But integrity handles even broader and more elevated situations. It’s a spiritual path unto itself.
Short of Sahaja, every spiritual experience passes. Will this awakening of conscience, pushback from a higher dimension, or inspired guidance also pass? Or is this a permanent call to a higher level of integrity? (1)
The most value comes from seeing it that way.
(1) Go forward! Go forward! Sri Ramakrishna taught. Are we not always raising the ante and, in my words, going further?
“A wood-cutter once entered a forest to gather wood. A brahmachari said to him, “Go forward.” He obeyed the injunction and discovered some sandal-wood trees. After a few days he reflected, “The holy man asked me to go forward. He didn’t tell me to stop here.” So he went forward and found a silver-mine. After a few days he went still farther and discovered a gold-mine, and next, mines of diamonds and precious stones. With these he became immensely rich.” (Paramahansa Ramakrishna in Nikhilananda, Swami, trans. The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna. New York: Ramakrishna-Vivekananda Center, 1978; c1942, 109.)