As I forgive myself more, and allow myself to be, I’m seeing my constructed self from a new vantage point.
I see the effects on channeling my energy in certain directions of the unconscious gestures I assume with my face. Everything we call an “expression” expresses me in some way.
The overall presentation I make is directed by my attitude, my leaning, my preference. I push myself in a certain direction motivated by my preferences.
But all of this channels or canalizes me. It creates a channel in which I have to flow.
I may not want to flow in that channel. (1) In fact I know I don’t.
I don’t want to flow in any channel, via any constructed self.
I’m deconstructing my constructed self using the tools of my awareness.
One of those tools is telling the truth at as deep a level as I can, which I’ve been doing.
Another is to sit in observation of something until it lifts.
Another is to reframe or recontextualize it, which I did with an injury recently.
I’m drawn to meditation at the moment and so I choose to sit in the silence and stillness and be the witness of whatever arises.
I’m choosing to observe the self, observe the channeling of energies, observe my moods, thoughts, feelings….
(1) One of my chief vasanas is “I don’t like to be tied down.”