As I go through the book on universal law, editing and taking out memorable quotes, I came across this one from Ashira:
“Do not judge. Do not start to quantify who is Illuminati, who is cabal, who is in containment, who is not in trust, who is the religious right, who is the fanatic. Every person on your planet, billions and billions, all came with the fullness of their soul design, with the sacred soul purpose to be part of this Ascension and Shift.” (1)
I don’t say this as if it’s a pat on the back – or a self-sabotaging slap either. I say it as a simple statement of fact and a baseline of truth to serve as a reference point: I do not come from the place that Ashira describes here.
I do judge. Every day. On the bus, on foot, sitting at my desk, I judge.
I do quantify who is Illuminati, cabal, religious right, fanatics, etc.
I’m not able to come from the place that recognizes all as having come in the fulness of their soul design to be part of this Shift.
Kathleen, having forgiven everyone in her life, apologized to others, and processed every vasana that so much as ripples through her, fits this description. (A vasana is a core issue.)
I could say I have a warrior’s anger towards them, but underneath that anger (see lower left of the Top Dog/Underdog cartoon, right) is a fearful lad. Terribly, terribly fearful.
What seems to be the very first need for me to do is to experience that fear to completion. I call that “sourcing” a vasana.
In what follows, I process what I think is “a fear” – the fear of obliteration – but which turns out to be fear itself. The account that follows is written in the moment:
I don’t even have to ask myself where this fear originates. I immediately see myself facing my Dad, as a young boy, with him screaming his head off at me at almost no distance from my face.
That – psychologically and emotionally – blew me away and I remained dissociated for the next fifty years.
That is where this level of fear, that I detect deep within myself, became fixed in stone in me, the backdrop and background of all my actions. My wife used to call it my “scared wolf look.”
That’s the moment frozen in time. The original and deepest early-childhood trauma for me, bending the twig and inclining the tree towards fear.
I have the “pleasant” task of re-experiencing that moment – now, as an adult, able to observe, and with all the knowledge I’ve gathered since then.
I’m now re-experiencing my original trauma. I’m experiencing Dad yelling at me.
I don’t think I opened my eyes when he yelled at me. I think I kept them closed because I was already on stimulation overload. But I think I also didn’t want to see what my Dad looked like at that moment. I didn’t want to have a photograph.
Nevertheless, the process he initiated with his shouting at close range resulted in me checking out. I just let go of any hold on my personality, letting his shouting blow it to smithereens. It disappeared. No, not “never to return.” It returned in a thousand shards, a thousand pieces.
Thereafter my life became a Hall of Mirrors. I was only “versions” of myself. I was several masks made out of cracked glass, glued together. I was never on firm ground. I lacked confidence. I was a made-up persona or constructed self, which I thereafter tried to sell to people.
Those who loved me, had compassion on me, or wanted something from me bought it; those who did not, did not. And I moved in my own self-reinforcing ways.
But it certainly wouldn’t work today for many reasons.
I’ve passed through stages of recovery, just as so many other lightworkers have, many for far more serious injuries than mine (sexual abuse, for instance). After attending many workshops, at age 46, I became aware that there were multiple “me’s,” that I was dissociated.
From that time to age 58, I attended many more workshops aimed at discovering or uncovering who I am (enlightenment intensives). I again saw more and more and, as each piece was recognized and experienced, it disappeared.
At age 58, I fused back together again (it took a blazing white heat), thanks to the help of my brother, Paul, who’s a family therapist.
In the process of recovery from dissociation, you could look at that fusing as having now reached a zeropoint. The territory I just left was unpleasant; the territory I entered was much more pleasant. Things were getting better now.
From that moment on, one becomes involved in coaxing the inner traumatized child to come back out and play.
In that new process, one is constantly building confidence in being one’s Self, speaking as one’s Self, trusting one’s Self. (You heard Michael say in a recent broadcast that I had issues with trusting. I do.)
Every time I push my own edges with you, here, I feel more confident to go the next mile. And the next mile. And the next mile. It takes years to build up confidence to lead, find a way, and talk about it.
No commander on a battlefield will win who lacks confidence in the outcome.
And social leadership in reconstructing the world – in building Nova Earth – especially if you have no particular background for it, is the same. It takes confidence.
So past the zeropoint, where one has put Humpty Dumpty together again, the rest of the journey becomes about regaining confidence.
But I’ve digressed from re-experiencing the original trauma. Let me re-connect and continue the process of sourcing this vasana of fearfulness.
(To be concluded tomorrow.)
(1) “Cmdr. Ashira of UFOG talks about the Universal Laws and how/when to use them…,” May 9, 2014, at https://counciloflove.com/2014/05/cmdr-ashira-of-ufog-talks-about-the-universal-laws-and-howwhen-to-use-them/.