I’ve just had a remarkable occurrence and I don’t know how to describe it.
Yesterday evening, lying in bed and reviewing the events of the day, I found myself suddenly feeling sick and tired of a way I was speaking.
I was continually judging myself, finding myself wanting, and taking a dim view of everything.
Without quite knowing what I was doing, I suddenly and forcefully found myself exclaim, “Stop!”
And I refused to explain myself to the other side of myself that was judging me, finding me wanting, and taking a dim view of things, until it stopped.
I had taken command of myself. Not like I knew that was even possible before a minute ago.
I felt the rise of a commanding figure and the insistence that the Complainer stop. And only after the Complainer stopped did I go into detail.
I said enough was enough. From now on I wanted there to be no more judging myself, no more finding myself wanting, and no more taking a dim view of things.
But even more important than imposing order on my own self-defeating behavior was the discovery of this Self-Commander. The Complainer had become a Commander.
The Commander had stepped forward by a process unknown to me. Werner would say he came from nothing, from the Void, out of thin air.
I didn’t know he existed, just as I never knew there was a space called abundance or mastery.
Once identified, the Commander did not leave. A day later, the sense of being in command of myself persists.
I don’t know where to go next with any of this. I just know where I don’t intend to go in the future.
And I do glimpse and sense the process of continual unfoldment that a gradual ascension is.
Another day later.
I just noticed that something of this experience has stuck.
How do I describe it? Here it is. I continue to feel peace.
I should really try to record this state because I was in this position the last time I entered peace, the position of not recognizing it when it made its appearance.
I’m not now talking about what St. Paul called the “peace that passeth understanding.” That would be a deeper level of peace than I’m experiencing.
This is a garden-variety, everyday level of peace, a sustainable level. Beyond this and I might want to meditate in a cave.
The thing about it is that it’s so non-descript that I could have easily overlooked it – and on many occasions I have.
I remember the last time I was in peace (that I can remember) I failed to notice it for the longest time. It wasn’t until I recognized it that it unfolded and enveloped me.
On another occasion, when I saw bliss off in a corner, upon recognition, it also swallowed me up. I realized that I had felt the bliss at a low level but had never acknowledged it. (2) It took acknowledgment for it to unfold.
And today here I was in peace again and it was so bereft of characteristics that I overlooked it a second time.
But that’s its main characteristic, is it not? It’s bereft of the characteristics of the external world.
Another characteristic is … wait a minute. I was going to say “balance.” But I see I have a metaphorical understanding of “balance” that stands in my way.
I’ve been using a vertical metaphor. According to it, I’m neither up (mood elevation) nor down (mood depression); I’m balanced.
But this space is definitely horizontal. The degree of absence of all issues that I feel right now would allow me to get up and socialize, hopefully without losing this space. (3)
I seem to have been misconceiving both peace and balance.
A single experience of any of these states immediately clears up misconceptions.
I feel free of issues. So this is peace and the balance that lives within peace.
Somehow the Complainer was keeping a part of me alive that was standing in the way of everything else. It was the key log in the logjam. The head vampire.
This peacefulness arose as a result of me taking command of myself, calling myself on my own malarkey, and putting a stop to it. We’re always told that that’s what needs to be done, are we not? Get a hold of yourself? Get a grip? Take yourself in hand?
It’s resulted in a state of peace and balance. I don’t feel like doing anything in particular – except writing. I also don’t feel opposed to doing anything. I’m happy with what I’m doing right now and don’t need to change a thing.
Nothing remains to be done. If this were ascension, I’d be quite satisfied.
It’s a very agreeable space.
(1) It just occurred to me that I may have been inspired to say “Stop!” “Enough!” Because it felt like it welled up from inside me, unaided by my everyday consciousness. I didn’t know where the words came from. I “didn’t know what got into me.”
(2) The tsunami of love I felt when my heart opened on March 13, 2015, on the other hand, was altogether different. That experience would be as if we were swept away by a river flooding its banks. It didn’t wait to be recognized and didn’t passively envelop me. It swept away everything that wasn’t nailed down.
(3) I’m an introvert so the thought of socializing is often not something I warm up to.