I’m away for a few days with family, post-Xmas. Nothing to do with anything but reconnecting and relaxing.
Over the last week or two, in very small transactions unrelated to the Reval, I’ve been given an introduction to what I might experience after the Reval.
It’s been hard to endure but invaluable.
I think I’m being given experimental dry runs for two reasons: (1) I’ll be managing funds later, and (2) the guys in the rafters know I’ll write about it.
Some of Archangel Michael’s earlier advice came alive for me in this go-round. He said some time ago that he wanted me to have no more than six people report to me after the Reval, that my awareness writing was to be my first priority. (1)
I received an introduction to why he may have limited that number in this experimental set of transactions.
The amount of stress associated with financial management lowers my awareness and makes it difficult to remain in touch with myself or write about anything besides stress, which is all I’m aware of.
Awareness writing and financial management don’t make good sidekicks just yet, for someone at my level of understanding. And the more people that report to me, the more I’ll be drawn into greater levels of financial management and organizational administration that compete with my overall mission as a communicator.
On the subject of stress, I know from readings with AA Michael that stress is something I need to pay attention to. Last year he said:
AAM: If you are not attending to yourself, the stress that is occurring bleeds into your work, bleeds into our work. I desire, I ask, I plead, I want you writing from a place of joy. (2)
Joy knows nothing of stress. Stress knows nothing of joy.
AAM: There is an entire world waiting to be rebuilt. It is not achieved if you jump the gun. It is not achieved if you are going full steam ahead and then collapse because of stress.
Stress is a physical reality. It is not you simply creating drama. It is a biophysical, electrical, spiritual reality. Give yourself time to breathe, to withdraw if necessary, to scan the environment, to enjoy yourself, to celebrate. And then in a sense of, “no hurry,” go forward. (3)
So here I am, an unknown time before the Reval, seeing my limitations in a dry run instead of in an actual full-blown and sizeable financial transaction. Thank you, Michael and my guides!
On-the-job experience, so to speak, instantly made Michael’s advice come alive for me. If I’m to do the writing he wants, I have to rigorously limit my participation on the financial side or risk losing the ability to write.
Many people want to maximize their role in things; I need to minimize mine. I need balance in financial matters and awareness in writing.
I can see the usefulness of dealing with stress now instead of later because there’ll be lots of it, I imagine, after the Reval.
I don’t want to create it, but I also want to prepare myself in case it does arise.
The stress for me on one particular day reached a level that was almost unbearable. I had equipment failures, transactions going through out of sequence (sending me deep into overdraft), more bells and whistles popping than I could manage and keep my attention on my editorial work.
Probably the biggest lesson I learned at that time was the necessity for me to exert control over myself. Big Steve (my higher Self, my will, my adult ego state) had a talk with Little Steve (my everyday consciousness), and reinforced the fact that escape through breakdown was no longer an option. It worked in college years but won’t work any longer and is off the table.
Big Steve reinforced with Little Steve that it was time to handle circumstances like this, to manage myself in them, and not to succumb to them. And I needed to extend that handling down into behavior that promises to lead to stress, such as disagreements with others, gratuitous advice, uncaring remarks, etc. I needed to get at the elementary causes of stress, stress at its beginnings.
As all of this unfolded and I tried to remain in bare awareness of it, I saw that I had a script and an act associated with my Complainer (or Gadfly, as I’d prefer to call him) and that was to allow an escape into dissociation if things got too difficult for me.
It goes back to my earliest years and was a coping mechanism related to domestic violence.
That script now had to be taken off the shelf and archived. And I did archive it the moment I saw it.
I was back at a choicepoint, with my will fully activated, and I did what needed to be done with many vasanas and that’s to rechoose, go another route.
Stop doing the same thing over and over again and hoping the next time it’ll work when it hasn’t in the past.
I knew the conclusion and decision that lay at the heart of this vasana. The conclusion was “I can’t handle this” and the decision was “I’m outta here.”
My new choice is that I’ll handle any circumstances and manage myself rather than losing it – not lose it in circumstances where my patience is tested, where I’ve suffered a large financial loss, where a piece of equipment has broken down and quit because of my mistake, or other circumstance.
The stress natural to our situation is enough to manage, without us adding stress of our own making.
Every means of reducing stress becomes of interest to me now, knowing what I do from this excellent dry run. I’m reorganizing my life and adjusting my plans based on what I learned.
The Reval will only increase the pressures. To withstand them, I guess you could say I’m in training.
Back on Monday.
(1) Here he discusses how he wants me to continue what he calls “philosophical” writing:
“Do not underestimate the importance of what you call or term philosophical discussion. It is quite sad that so many human beings have turned away, forgotten, are bored with or do not engage in the expanded mental, emotional, and spiritual realm of discussion and thought and consideration of the meaning of their life, of the meaning of how they behave, how they proceed, what the undertakings are at hand, what they have been, what they will be.” (Archangel Michael in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, July 1, 2016.)
Here again he clarifies the writing he wants from me:
“There is much to be said for everyman, and that is part of the role you play. Yes, you are a pillar. You are an anchor. You’re an informant but you’re also playing the role of everyman – with curiosity, with exploration, with insight. So our desire is not to separate you from the collective. Let go of the fear.” (Ibid., Nov. 11, 2015.)
This exhortation to write on “inner work” is typical:
“I beg of you, do not assume that when you write of what you are calling ‘the inner work,’ that this does not have profound effect because the focus of the leadership movement, right now is on the inner work.” (Ibid., June 7, 2015.)
(2) Ibid., Aug. 3, 2015.
(3) Ibid., May 21, 2015.
Here he again raises the subject of stress-reduction:
“I do not ask of you to write 365 days. There is a need – and it is not simply a gift or a choice – there is a need for you to be able to exclaim and claim for your beautiful sacred self time to breathe.
“Not because you have need to absent yourself. We’re not speaking of the delightful vacation holiday that lies ahead. We’re talking in the ordinary order of a week, of a day, of a month. You have need for days off.
“I say this to you as my brother. There are days and times when you simply need to say, ‘I’m going outside.’ ‘I’m lying in bed.’ ‘I’m going to go lay in a field.’ ‘I’m going to stare at the sky and take this time for my sacred self.’
‘Your world, and particularly at this juncture, both within your circle but in the broader spectrum as well, is filled with chaos. Many people, humanity, are moving forward. They are not necessarily moving forward, can we say, in the most orderly fashion.
‘As people are dealing with their issues, vasanas, core issues, it is even more chaotic. But it is necessary and, yes, your input, your reflection, and your sharing is necessary.
‘But, my brother, I strongly urge you to create a schedule. Yes, a schedule whereby you are taking time out to breathe.’ (AAM, July 21, 2015.)