I’ve been fighting a battle with self-doubt for the last few days, with the help of friends, whom I acknowledge.
Its predominant symptom – and what got me searching for a way out – was hesitation. I was plagued with hesitation lately. I hear myself saying things like “I’m not ready!” “I want to live a normal life.” “What am I doing?” Etc.
It took me days to find the word “self-doubt” to describe what was happening in me.
A part of me doubted myself and that made me hesitant to act.
For quite a time I took the route of will and strode forward. But then I stopped.
I became aware of the opportunity this situation presented to look more deeply into this and get to the root of it. There was something to be gained generally from this exploration. Or so I felt.
And it was then that I started getting hints, probably from upstairs, that self-doubt lay at the heart of the hesitancy I felt.
I know where the lack of self-confidence would have come from: It was a reaction to my Dad’s blaming/shaming tendencies.
Nevertheless by now I had begun to look at the literature on self-doubt in the three databases. (1)
I couldn’t find much on the subject. Matthew classified it as one of the dense negative emotions:
“Negative emotions that emit low vibrations include fear, guilt, remorse, self-doubt, jealousy, envy, bitterness and resentment, all of which create discomfort, discord and dissatisfaction.” (2)
He reminds us that “when you live steadfast in the light, there is nothing to fear! Nothing of dark nature can survive within the light!” (3)
The Angels through Tazjima add to what Matthew said, assuring us that the energies hitting the Earth now will cleanse us of self-doubt:
“The waves of love are penetrating into the interior of your cells, cleansing and pulling out the pockets of denied thoughts. It is time to come clean; allow the energies of love to wash your auric field of the debris of self-hatred, self-doubt and self-judgment, whether on an individual or collective basis.” (4)
That’s reassuring too. I’m all for being washed clean.
Mother Mary, through Pamela Kribbe, asserted that we drown in self-doubt. That was significant to me because it meant I wasn’t alone.
“We have to always keep you focused on the next step before you, as you often drown in self-doubt. You sometimes get caught up and overcome by the three-dimensional world around you, the things you hear on the TV news and read in the newspapers. The fears, the things people discuss, everything you hear about, what is deemed impossible, what is going wrong – all these negative messages depress you.
“You then experience too little room for the light that you actually are, the light that you so long for, and which you unconsciously carry so powerfully within you. You underestimate your own reality, who you are, the greatness and power that you embody, and not in the sense of manipulative power, but the power of the divine presence within you.” (5)
Well, I don’t watch TV or read the newspapers so maybe I’m keeping my head above water.
But if others are also adrift in self-doubt, then there’s definitely some value in me exploring mine.
As I sat to contemplate the origin of my self-doubt, I heard a voice say: “I don’t have time for self-doubt.” I believe that to have been an inspired thought. I took it as a cue and began considering it as the road the higher ups wanted me to take.
Thinking about the remark, I flashed on the three ego states that Transactional Analysis popularized: parent, adult, and child. That statement could only have been made by my adult ego state.
My parent ego state is blaming and shaming. That’s what invites the self-doubt in the first place.
My child ego state is self-doubting in response to shame and blame.
Looking at that, I said to myself that I genuinely don’t have time any more to hang out in the child ego state.
I feel a mature adult coming alive in me, who doesn’t have time to act like a child, no matter what the injustice or the rewards. Self-doubt is an activity that a child engages in. It has no future.
So no, thank you. When I feel self-doubt again, I’ll check to see if I’ve slipped into my child ego state.
There’s much to do. Once we get an array of global projects started, there won’t be time to pose as a child.
At this moment, I feel free of self-doubt and hesitation. My understanding is that freedom such as this is only permanent after Sahaja Samadhi so I may have to engage with self-doubt again. But I’ve established a beachhead.
(1) The three databases: First Contact (http://goldengaiadb.com/First_Contact); From Darkness Unto Light (http://goldengaiadb.com/From_Darkness_to_Light); and New Maps of Heaven (http://goldengaiadb.com/New_Maps_of_Heaven). When you ask me questions, these databases are where I go to answer them.
(2) Matthew’s Message, Sept. 11, 2010, at http://www.matthewbooks.com/mattsmessage.htm.
(3) Loc. cit.
(4) “A Message from the Angels: Embrace Your Real Self,” channeled through Tazjima, June 9, 2013 at http://bluedragonjournal.com.
(5) “Mary: We are not Complete Without You,” channeled by Pamela Kribbe, June 9, 2014 at http://www.jeshua.net. English translation by Maria Baes and Frank Tehan.