I have a war going on inside me as a personality. There are two sides. One side wants to be open and available. The other side wants to be self-protective.
One side has always had the same picture of leadership – that it was as open and available as it could be. And that was the only side of me that existed at that moment.
But that side had never been tested under actual conditions. When it was tested, over these past years, I saw right away that I had overlooked my temperament. My temperament is that of a monk, a hermit.
So here is this hermit playing his role in leading and all the time cherishing solitude. It’s been a difficult act to play. Now it’s tearing me apart.
Lately, the demands on my time have been such that I’m beginning to act self-protectively, to say “no” to things I’ve been doing until now (like email – biggie, have to let it go, folks), avoiding people who engage in idle talk simply to pass the time, avoiding others who want to engage me in Third-Dimensional games, etc. I’ve had to pay attention to any demands on my time that were not going to go anywhere.
By contrast, in the morning I had a conversation with two other financial wayshowers and the ideas just started popping. We ended up with a plan for nuclear communities for the homeless. That’s where I want to be spending my time.
So the way the war inside looks is that I feel I can no longer afford to act as if time is endless. It isn’t. As a result, I’m doing quite a bit of house-cleaning and avoidance these days. And feeling guilty about it and ashamed. But still doing it.
Another thing in this internal war. While I was convalescing, I had the luxury of some time to think. As leader over myself, I enjoyed it so much that I resolved to create time for myself everyday just to think. To let my mind drift. To be the urban monk that I fancy myself to be.
So there’s this uneasy peace at best between the open and available one and the reclusive monk. This is one major, titanic vasana (core issue, struggle). It may take days for it to burst onto the scene in full glory.
Listen, if the eruption of even deeper core issues is happening for me this late in the 3D game and early in the 5D game, it’ll probably happen for others. The pressure on us will only increase after the Reval.
At that point, the guilt will go away and those who lead, who serve as financial wayshowers, and who serve as stewards of the Mother’s wealth will have to retreat behind some barriers, such will be the flood of communication. It isn’t something we’re talking about yet, but I can’t see how it wouldn’t come. Are we ready?
I hope I’m wrong. I wish I were.
How to reconcile the two – how to preserve as much openness and availability as possible with as much time to one’s self as one needs escapes me now. But after the Reval, it’ll become the question of the hour.
It may just be a question of Will. That’s my working hypothesis.