Continuing with our Ascension ethnography, Archangel Michael’s invitation has very much inspired me. (1)
The result is that I’m digging deeper into the things that hold parts of me back in Third Dimensionality.
And I wanted to share something about the digging process itself. It isn’t as if I’m digging fresh holes in new fields. I’m not. I’m digging deeper and deeper holes in existing fields.
It isn’t as if we come upon thirty different or new core issues. We don’t. We come upon a few of them but thereafter are forever excavating them, to get to and complete the deeply-buried inexperienced experience that lies at the heart of them.
Completing the experience is one of two spring valves that release us. The other is knowing the truth of the core issue or vasana. (2)
I worked for decades to see daylight, just a bit of daylight, in my relationship with my Dad. Decades. Always the same issue.
Not till I was 58 did I scream loudly enough, in a blazing white heat, to replicate in the outside world how I felt in the inside. Not until then was I fully expressed and the experience complete. (Thank you, Paul.) That gives you an idea of how deep a core issue can go.
So I self-identify workaholic as one of those deep, core issues, formed in response to my Dad calling me a “lazy, no-good good-for-nothing.” I hear myself saying “I showed him” so defiance must lie at the root of this vasana.
I’m a workaholic in defiance of my Dad’s allegation against me. I’m proving him wrong and myself right every time I work a feat of publishing magic. Over and over again, I’m proving myself right. Vasanas are like that. They have us on rails. And those rails root us in, that conditioning ties us to Third Dimensionality.
But simply seeing these things at an intellectual level does no more than satisfy curiosity. It doesn’t have the power to eradicate the vasana.
First I’d have to at least experience it. I have to feel whatever there is to feel. I have to get at an experiential level and complete the inexperienced experience. But that’s only part of it.
Then I have to realize whatever the truth about the vasana is. I have to get it at a soul level or a level of pure, spontaneous and liberating realization. The truth will set me free from the vasana.
I suspect that the truth of my vasana with my Dad is me saying to myself: “I hate you, Dad.” And I suspect I have layer upon layer of guilt and shame piled on top of that knowledge, burying it and making it inaccessible to my everyday consciousness.
The fact that I’m only at a point of intellectual knowledge with my workaholic pattern is the signal to me that I need to dig deeper. Even realizations of things like a behavior pattern may not utterly remove them. The process may need to be repeated.
So I’m still in the phase of things where effort is required. Some time after this, effort will no longer be required. (3)
I remain hampered by the lethargy, the level of pain, etc.
I think the Mother wants me to remain horizontal. Things do point to that.
But that doesn’t eliminate the ability to work. As long as I can think and feel, I can work. I can learn. I can grow.
Why, I can read the titles of the books on my bookshelf and ponder them. And I can write.
— 30 —
Just re-reading this article, my knowledge passed from intellectual to experiential. I got at the level of experience that I hate my Dad. I got it without resisting it, adding anything to it or taking anything away. I felt it. I allowed it. I experienced it.
The experience of hating my Dad now leaves the realm of taboo and becomes available to me to experience through to completion. I must complete the experience without rejecting any part of it. I have to accept the whole scenario for it to pass through me without further clinging to me, further persisting. It may be a difficult passage or an easy one. There’s no telling ahead of time.
The lethargy returns and I can do no more writing. I turn my attention back to resting.
(1) “Putting the Puzzle Pieces Together” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=276827
(2) It’s the truth that ultimately sets us free – from the vasana in his case but ultimately from all ignorance of our true identity.
(3) There’s a time in the spiritual process to be up and doing and a time to be still. I remain in the up-and-doing phase.