While in one reality – the old 3rd dimensional paradigm – this may sound like as if I’m giving up or that I’m accepting my defeat. in my reality this is and feels like the next step towards Self-realization. It all depends on perception in the end.
On one level, it does feel as if I’m being defeated. The question that remains is: Which part of me feels like that. My answer would be my Ego, also called the small “s” self.
That part of my being has allowed me – and still does – to experience a sense of individuality on Mother Earth. It has allowed me to feel separate from my fellow brothers and sisters, human or not. The ego is like a grounding point and thus part of the package deal in order for a soul to be incarnated onto this beloved planet.
Those events made me realize on a deeper level that I – read “my ego and intellect (mind)” – am not capable of and thus highly limited in understanding the intricacies of how the omniverse works.
Experientially speaking, it isn’t capable of taking into account all the variables that contribute to my ‘life’ in particular, let alone “life” in general on the level of the solar system, galactic, universe and so on.
Why and on what bases do things happen the way they do? I honestly and irrefutably don’t know. I don’t know! And that feels good! Real good! Liberating even!
Control takes on a whole different meaning. Actually depending on the level of experience, it may get obliterated altogether. Ego has the tendency to take charge of and control our lives, because it has an insatiable thirst to be acknowledged – self importance – or in other words, it fears to be left out of the equation. It fears non-existence, death.
What comes to mind is the ego-death experience of Sri Ramana Maharshi at the age of 16, alone in an empty room in his uncle’s house situated in the city of Madurai in India, oblivious to its meaning and the enormous implications of it. In no way am I claiming that I had the same experience, but I can say that I understand it on a deeper level now as compared to before.
This doesn’t mean, however, that I relinquish my personal power and responsibility. As a matter of fact, my ego is still very active but my awareness of its workings has shifted.
The focus has shifted significantly from power over to power within. By power over, I mean the desire to control and plan my life to a degree that it doesn’t leave room for change. Not wanting to leave anything to chance, minimizing insecurities, doing the most rational thing are just several of the many indicators.
It also really doesn’t help being born and raised in Western Europe where the degree of avoiding insecurity is very high.
Although I had already embarked on the journey of following my intuition and inner voice more and more, this new development feels different. This feels as if the realization has sunk into my cells as I already feel and notice the implications and so does my partner, family and friends.
It isn’t fully understood though – and by some even experienced – as me distancing myself or as them losing me.
For me, living my life from my ‘power within’ entails having faith and trust in being led and guided by a powerful, wise and loving Source from inside my being. Practically speaking, this could mean that certain guidance from within might not make sense at all; at least not at that point in time, given the information that is available then and there.
However, the deep trust I have in the authenticity of the guidance, which for me comes as the feeling of unconditional love and a knowing which starts subtle and then becomes solidified, would make me take a leap into the suggested direction now more than ever.
It is the deep realization that insecurity is there to teach me to be more vulnerable in order to experience the power of it, the power of an open heart. With every step that I take into the direction of the unknown I see that the feeling of trust in my Self will incrementally increase. I believe that further down the road this would eventually mean that the personal will be aligned with the Divine will.
I feel that with every step that I take into the unknown, I let go of an old belief or thought pattern, which makes me feel lighter every time I do it.
The answer to every question is truly found within as I realized that I do not need to understand everything intellectually.
I only need to surrender into it with awareness…..
In Lak’esh (I am another You)