We know that, under the influence of the Tsunami of Love, all our core issues or root vasanas are being raised to the surface to be released and this one is probably the deepest that I’ve ever had to complete.
At first I didn’t think that it was a vasana. I thought I was experiencing existential loneliness.
But it didn’t feel like that straightforward a condition. As I looked deeper, I saw that I also felt shame and sorrow.
Eventually I saw that events in my life had triggered the remembrance of my mother’s fiery death.
My mother fell asleep with a cigarette in her hand and ten sleeping pills in her stomach (chemical dependency). I was ashamed that I hadn’t done enough to save her. I felt lonely for her company. As a result of this and hating my father, I concluded that I was unlovable.
Huge vasana. Core issue. Number one upset. Until I saw the original incident my vasana was connected to, I was incapable of working and simply wanted to run away and hide under the porch. Thanks to everyone who helped me through it.
When wellbeing was restored, I felt overwhelming relief. I returned to a place of love. I was peaceful again, another major vasana having been gotten through.
Looking back, I marvel at how our minds can construct scenarios that prevent us from contacting the love that we are.
My vasana was constructed from thoughts. I linked up to them and considered them to be who I was.
Having returned from such a sobering experience, I feel myself well educated. I consider this to be the way we discover or remember who we are – by seeing again and again who we’re not (neti, neti – not this, not this).
We can only get who we’re not. The Self cannot be gotten using our usual means (the mind, the senses). The Self asserts itself into an open space such as we create by knowing who we’re not. We clear the brush and it makes its appearance, in God’s good time.
In the same way that we use meditation to open a space for our true identity to assert itself and be known, so by standing back and observing the vasana, we open the space for it to reveal its true origin and meaning. Once the vasana is altogether known, or known in its critical aspects, it loosens its grip and disappears.
Feeling love again after so much pain, I feel blissful, happy, content.
I love myself. How could I consider myself unlovable, as the vasana would have me think? It’s my job to love myself out of that conclusion.