AAM has told me that during February and part of March, all my core issues will be raised – and they are – daily!
In a series of articles, I’ll continue processing those that are coming up, deconstructing the constructed self. I do so for the benefit of those not used to processing.
At the same time, having become convinced that love is all there is, love is all we need, and love answers all questions, I’ll be posting a series on love as well.
When one is having all his core issues laid bare, it’s hardly the time to be focusing on the deeply esoteric.
It’s the time, as Krishnamurti might have said, to observe the ways of the self. The constructed self that is.
And so I begin to observe myself. I look at what’s actually here, right now.
This is the object of the awareness path, is it not? To make of ourselves an object of awareness and discern the Real from the unreal.
What I’m doing in this and any other articles on my “process” is sharing how a person “works” who’s on the awareness path.
I look at my inner experience right now and I’d characterize it as varying from acutely uncomfortable to deadened.
The first thing I notice is that I feel self-righteous. There’s no reason for it. It’s habitual behavior. One of the planks of my constructed self appears to be self-righteousness.
If anyone would ever have told me that I’m self-righteous, I’d have denied it.
But there’s no hiding any more. All that’s here will be seen. This is the time when all that was hid shall be laid bare. As SaLuSa said recently:
“You cannot fail to have noticed that dark secrets are increasingly coming to light, and as much as those involved try, they cannot hold back the truth. This period has been spoken about previously, and that which was hidden will be revealed. You could say that it is a time when the Light will leave no stone unturned.
“If people take their secrets with them upon passing over it still makes no difference, as every soul has to face the truth about their life. (1) Whatever you may think now, you cannot hide it when in the higher vibrations because as you may already know, only the truth can exist in the Light. So if you have any dark secrets, consider that it might be better to make your peace now rather than later.” (2)
That rings true for me.
I keep looking. Another thing I see: I have no sense of the sacred. Nothing is sacred to me. I’m listening to Children of the Sun’s Love to France.mp3 and the facilitators have a deep sense of the sacred. I feel none. (3)
Just noticing. Just observing without judging. Laying bare the structure and process of the constructed self. I’m looking for anything, any barrier to the experience of the divine qualities in myself. I notice for sure that I don’t feel divine.
I feel hostility. I feel defensive. I’m on the alert. Does it really matter where these come from? Undoubtedly from life with Dad. That’s already known.
All of this constructed self comes from that era in my life. However, knowing that doesn’t provide a way through these barriers to personal transcendence. Something remains unseen.
Self-righteous, hostile, alert, defensive. I left off living with Dad when I was 14 but I’m still living with him, even after his death.
And I observe something else. I’ve copied some of his patterns not knowing that I did. I watched some of them emerge the other day. Thank heaven for days off! (New invention.)
My frustration and irritation towards people who don’t deal with me in the way I want or expect – that was purely and simply copied from Dad. No thought given to it at all. And it took a great deal of looking to see it.
This is not intellectual knowledge. I’d heard about that pattern I have (intellectual knowledge). But to actually have it up to experiential knowledge by “seeing’ it, that’s enough to have me move on the matter; intellectual knowledge is not. (Still not realized knowledge though.)
Yes, I have indeed copied the patterns of the person I regarded as anything but a pattern for humanity.
Do you know what it takes to write this down? Oh my Gawd. But this is precisely what I came here to do. Go up through Ascension reporting my experience all the way.
I look again and I see a streak of vengefulness. How have I managed to hide this all these years? Answer: I haven’t. I’ve only kidded myself that any of it was hidden.
I look again.
I’ve reached a plateau. I still feel flat, but I’m not in the red. More in the middle, emotional zero. I can at least think of doing a few normal things, like making dinner. I’m not in the stressed-out state I feel when a core issue is activated.
I don’t know if this process goes on until I have some over-arching insight or whether I’m wearing these issues away. Or will I have a breakthrough in will and surrender everything? I don’t know.
In retrospect, I’ll have a good analysis but in prospect I’m completely ignorant.
As est would say, the path ahead starts with the trailing edge of my leading foot.
I surrender to the process though. Ready, aye, ready. I take the next step.
For the sake of the value it affords me, I’m going to act “as if” there’s something fundamentally skewed in my life that’s holding me in this house I’ve constructed for myself and I don’t know what that something is. And so I look.
Starting this week, I’ll be taking Monday and Tuesday off on a regular basis.
(1) SaLuSa is referring to the full-life review called the Judgment. See http://goldengaiadb.com/The_Judgment.
(2) SaLuSa, Feb. 20, 2015, at http://www.treeofthegoldenlight.com/First_Contact/Channeled_Messages_by_Mike_Quinsey.htm .