I find that the way I learn and grow, often goes in stages, where I will have an eye opening realization one day, and then be exposed to something new that will make me question my last realization. I then adopt the new idea, but rather than completely rejecting the last idea, this new idea then gets integrated into the last realization, and the whole picture becomes bigger.
Predictably, this happened after I wrote, “Things are Changing,” for GAoG Nov 9. (1) I share the unfolding of this with you to hopefully show the process when one thing can be very true, and yet still questioned, until it reveals a bigger truth.
It happened when I read Matt Kahn’s November energy update, (2) in which he says,
“As attachments to ego evaporate, you are suddenly unable to be fed by the people, places, and things that previously defined your existence. …
“Some may continue to avoid this crucial stage of awakening by looking for new things to be fed by. When the ego looks for new things to feed its existence, the desire for deeper more meaningful relationships is often where it places its focus. While everyone deserves to know the true joy of companionship and to be reunited with their soul family, it is common to desire these types of relationships the most, as a way of steering your attention away from the overwhelming despair of spiritual limbo land.”
Being a single person, I also wondered if I was “too attached” to finding a partner as well. I began to look at the subtle distinction that Matt makes between our ego being “fed” by a relationship out of avoidance of spiritual emptiness, vs what Matt calls “a heartfelt surrender that hands over every remaining option to the hands of fate. … as you discover an inherent ability to love without a need to be fed by the things being embraced.”
The truth was, I realized, there was an element of attachment to my search for like-hearted folk! What a surprise it was to see this! While it was true that I had stepped into my “bigness” in my openness to finding my soul family as I wrote in my last article, this was the next piece of that “bigness” to be embraced. I saw that I could let go of that subtle attachment to relationships that came from my ego, and be completely surrendered to whatever outcome occurred.
I did the exercise that Matt recommended in which you repeat, for the ego to get it, that “There is no way out of pain. There is no way out of judgment.” And I felt a palpable release happen in which I felt joy! What a relief it was to really get, that there is no way out of pain for my ego. I felt a release of the enormous effort I had been putting into avoiding that very fact.
I had believed I didn’t “need” relationships, and that I simply wanted them as a healthy aspect of being human. But I saw the subtle way I had actually believed I “needed” them in order to feel that I (my ego) “existed”. By doing the exercise, I had given myself a felt experience of not “needing”, instead of an intellectual understanding of it. I have remained in that sense of relief, and simple joy ever since, about a month now. The feeling of freedom has remained.
I feel able to be myself more in my friendships in a way I hadn’t felt before. I am more free to be me because I have let go of my ego’s subtle sense of panic at the possibility of loosing any relationship. I have a felt sense of trust in letting all relationships unfold as they will, naturally, in divine order, with whatever is meant to be.
And Matt goes on to say, “As this depth of surrender is integrated, a well-spring of inspiration and intuitive direction will return to your consciousness and begin guiding your every move.”
The next piece of this surrender that showed up was that I noticed for a few days an odd sense of overwhelm or anxiety, even when I was very calm and had nothing going on in my life to produce this feeling. I found myself remembering the sense of surrender I had, and I simply let go, letting “Life” take care of the feeling of chaos and overwhelm, trusting it to be part of the process.
A few days later Aisha North described this very feeling in her Nov 24th update, http://wp.me/p28XHD-F8 : “You will also know in the very core of your being that the panic that may start to arise is simply a small disturbance on the surface, much like the waves that will be churned up by a heavy storm. But just like in the ocean, these energetic up-swells will never be able to disturb the equilibrium that exists at all times below the surface”.
And so the bigness, the surrender, the equilibrium, and the joy in living and trusting more and more in the moment, continue unfolding. My gratitude to the inspiration I receive on this journey from sites like Golden Age of Gaia, Matt Kahn, Aisha North, and so many others.
(1) Victoria Markham, “Things are Changing,” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2014/11/09/victoria-markham-things-are-changing/.